Cast No Shadow: Part 3
by RoutineRiot
Summary: This is just the continuation of the ongoing, neverending saga. It picks up right where part 2 left off, with chapter 290.
1. Chapter 290: Slam Dunk

**Chapter 290: Slam Dunk ******

_"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement." – Charles M. Schulz_

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." – Jeff Valdez

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost 7.00 in dog money." – Joe Weinstein

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." – Rita Rudner

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." – Sue Murphy

Sydney helped him up the rest of the way and they walked to the door, opening it and chuckling as Donovan took off down the hall. They came out to the kitchen in time to see Amélie giving him another piece of bacon.

"Morning."

"Well good morning you two. I thought I might have to get a fog horn to wake you up today."

"Mom you keep feeding him like that he's gonna be as fat as he was when Weiss first brought him over."

"Didn't make you fat, did it?" Amélie chided.

Vaughn chuckled, "Well, I'm leaner now than I was when I was at home."

"Must be the frosting," Sydney added.

"Oh…that was a low blow," Amélie said, turning with her spatula in hand.

Sydney giggled, "I'm sorry…I couldn't resist…"

"What are we having besides bacon?" Vaughn asked as he sat on one of the stools gingerly.

Sydney retrieved a pillow for him without asking, the task becoming routine.

"Eggs and toast."

"And bacon," Vaughn added for her.

"Right."

"Are they dunkers?" Vaughn asked.

Sydney snorted, "Dunkers?"  


Vaughn looked over at her, "You've never heard of a dunker egg?"

"No…should I have?"

Vaughn shook his head, "They're the kind of eggs that you can dunk your toast in the yolks…"

"Basted," Amélie offered.

"Ohhh…"

"Dunkers."

"They've always been dunkers since Michael was a boy…he called them that one day when he was about four. Just decided that was the name they should have because you could dunk the toast in it."

"I understand."

"Yes, he had a number of those names…"

"What else did he have?"

"Yes, mom…feel free to embarrass your son even more…I'll think of fun stories for you too…"

Amélie waved him off, "Oh let's see; he called Ramen Noodles 'Crazy Noodles' because they were long and hard to slurp like other noodles. They're really," she stopped smiling, "curly I believe he used to say."

Sydney giggled, "Curly Crazy Noodles huh?"

Vaughn nodded as his mother placed a plate in front of him, "Yeah well it was dad's fault – he taught me how to slurp in the first place…and spit my gum out the window," he added grinning.

Amélie laughed loudly, "Oh my I'd forgotten about that!"

"What?" Sydney asked intrigued.

"Well Bill occasionally would spit his gum out of the car window. Which I disapproved of…but one day Michael decided he had to try it too…except his try didn't work out the best. He spit it out the passenger seat window in the front and it flew right back in the backseat window and stuck to the backseat."

Vaughn chuckled, "It was pretty funny."

"And Bill couldn't say a damn thing because he was the one responsible. I didn't let him forget it for years."

"Oh…I remember something that dad didn't let you forget…"

Amélie looked at Vaughn, "What is that?"

"Oh…it was just this one time that you had really great intentions and it ended very badly…"

Amélie thought a moment, "Ok, I give, what are you thinking about?"

"OH…September 28th, 1972…"

Amélie thought a moment, "Oh…"

Vaughn nodded, "Mmhmm…" He looked at Sydney, "It was the last game of the great Canada/Soviet Union Summit Series. Eight games…480 glorious minutes of heart-stopping hockey. And Canada won…of course my dad would have never known that…had I not watched…"

Amélie winced, "It was a noble failure."

"I will give you that yes." He turned back to Sydney, "So dad had to work and mom was left with specific instructions to tape the last game of the series…so I sat down to watch and mom was there the whole time, 'cept for the little break we took for Sesame Street…and so anyway…she sat there the whole time editing out commercials faithfully…" he nodded. "It was a great game…"

Amélie chuckled.

"So dad comes home and he's sitting down to watch the game…" he stopped giggling, "And he starts watching…and then asks mom to come in there…and he was wondering why exactly he was being treated to hours of hockey-free commercials…"

Amélie laughed loudly, Vaughn completely immersed in laughter.

"Oh that is so funny," Sydney said laughing as well.

Vaughn snorted, "So I had to recount the whole game, minus the Sesame Street update…the letter of the day on that particular day was M. I've always remembered."

Amélie and Vaughn said it together, "M…M for mistake…dad was more than happy to fill it in," Vaughn added.

Amélie looked at Sydney, "I think I'm beginning to understand why my son doesn't like these stories…"

Sydney chuckled, "Yeah, when it's you it's a lil different."

"Yes." She smiled at Vaughn, "How are the eggs?"

"Great," Vaughn said, dunking his last bit of toast in the yolk.

"Should we tell Sydney about your egg habits?"

Vaughn smirked and looked at Sydney, "I'll just field this one…I like hard boiled eggs – but only the white part…and I like dunker eggs – but only the yolk. And I'll eat egg salad and scrambled eggs with no problems."

Sydney smiled and put her hand on the back of Vaughn's neck, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek, "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Thanks," he said smiling.

_'Hmph…what the hell's going on here? I was all the center of attention…then they start eating and I become invisible! Where's my funny story and the kiss from the hot doggie?! I'll eat any kind of eggs! Give me some! Damn humans! Play with me!'_

'Maybe if I act real cute, they'll play with me…look rolling puppy…cuteness…pet me! FINE. Oh look…a bug…'

"Well…I suppose we should shower and get ready to go…" Sydney said.

"Go?" Amélie asked.

"My landlord called…he had all my mail."

"Well it took him long enough. I do hope there was nothing important in there."

"Yeah me too," Vaughn said nodding.

"Well, why don't you two shower, and I'll pack up…"

"Ok, that sounds like a plan," Sydney said, waiting for Vaughn to join her.

They set off in opposite directions, Sydney giggling as they entered the bathroom and began to strip down for the shower.

"What?"

"Nothing…just…I love hearing about your childhood…I mean I know it was hard for you sometimes…but it always seems that it was so normal…"

Vaughn smiled, "It was…more so than yours Sydney."

She nodded, "Yeah…"

"Come here."

She smiled and moved over to him, stepping into his embrace. "I love you and our kids will never have to worry about our life not being normal…"

She leaned up to kiss him, "Thank you."

"Anytime."

"Come on…we can't take too long, your mom's waiting."

Vaughn whined, "Aww she wouldn't mind…"

Sydney chuckled as they stepped into the shower, "Later…"

Vaughn smiled knowingly, "I'll hold you to that."


	2. Chapter 291: Meeting Michael Vaughn

**Chapter 291: Meeting Michael Vaughn**

_"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it." – George Moore_

"Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,  
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home." – John Howard Payne

"A good home must be made, not bought." – Joyce Maynard

"My home is not a place, it is people." – Lois McMaster Bujold

* * *

"Well, you take care now – don't over do it now that you have that sling off Michael."

"I won't Mom," he said as she came over and hugged him gently.

"I'll call soon to check up."

"Ok. Bye mom, love you."

"Love you too Michael. Good bye Sydney," Amélie said, hugging her as well.

"Bye Amélie."

"Well…you wanna go now?" Vaughn asked.

"Sure, let me get the car started, make sure the air's on, ok?"

"Yeah, I'll just chill here."

"Ok."

Sydney started the truck and walked back in, Vaughn sitting on the stool again.

"Ok, we're all set."

"K," he said, getting up slowly.

"How are you feeling today?" Sydney asked as she moved over to him, slinging her arm around his waist.

"I'm ok."

"Mmhmm and how're you feeling today?" Sydney asked with a smile.

Vaughn chuckled, "I'm a little sore…"

"And?"

"My back hurts a little bit."

"We can go another day Michael," Sydney offered as they stepped out the front door into the hot sun.

He smiled, "No, it's ok. It's nothing unusual."

Sydney nodded and helped him in the car before closing the door and getting in herself.

"This is two days in a row now that I've been in a car."

Sydney smiled, "I know. You like it?"

"Yeah…I'll try to stay awake today."

Sydney chuckled, "It's ok if you nap Vaughn."

"Maybe on the way back."

"We can put the seat back…"

He smiled, "We'll see."

"Ok…Vaughn…we're here…" Sydney said quietly, putting her hand on his chest.

"Hmm? What?" Vaughn said, jerking awake.

She chuckled, "You fell asleep…we're at your apartment."

Vaughn rubbed his eye, "Oh…sorry," he said smiling bashfully.

She smiled back at him; "You can fall asleep with me anytime you want honey."

He yawned, "Thanks. K, ready."

She got out and walked over to his side of the truck, helping him out and resuming their posture from before, with her arm around his waist.

As they walked through the front doors, Vaughn said, "Dave's apartment is down the hall…"

Sydney nodded and they walked slowly down the corridor.

"This is him," Vaughn said pointing to the first apartment on the left side of the hallway.

Sydney knocked on the door and a short, middle-aged man with graying, balding hair and kind brown eyes opened the door. "Hello Michael."

"Hi Dave."

"Come on in," he said, stepping into the apartment.

Sydney shut the door behind them and stayed close to Vaughn, her arm still around his waist.

"So…I've got your mail over here…I haven't seen you in a while…but your rent check is always on time…"

Vaughn smiled, "Glad to hear that."

"Yeah…it comes directly from the State Department though…"

Vaughn nodded, "Yeah…"

Dave nodded, "You ok? You look a little pale."

"I'm ok…can I get the mail?"

"Sure sure…" Dave turned and grabbed a paper bag full of mail, holding it out to him.

Sydney took the bag instead, Dave looking at her oddly.

"I'm sorry Dave, this is my fiancée, Sydney."

"Oh, hi," Dave said, "Nice to meet you…I didn't realize you were engaged…"

"I wasn't the last time you saw me…"

"Ah…well…I'm glad to hear that then."

"Yeah."

"So you've been…" Dave trailed off.

"I was away…"

Dave nodded, "Right."

Vaughn smiled, "I'm not gonna talk about it Dave."

"Ok…"

"I don't have my key Dave…can I borrow the master key for a bit?"

"I can come up with you…"

"You'll have to walk slow…" Vaughn said looking at him.

Dave looked at him strangely again, "Uhm…ok…I can do that."

"Why don't we leave the mail here…we can get it when we come back down," Sydney suggested.

"Sure," Dave said, starting to walk out the door.

"Elevator Dave," Vaughn said as he started to walk towards the stairs.

He turned and walked in the other direction, waiting by the elevator until Sydney and Vaughn caught up. Once they were inside, he turned to Vaughn, "Ok Michael, I really don't understand what's going on…"

"I got hurt."

"Well I can see that…were you in the hospital?"

"For a while yeah…I'm at Sydney's house now."

Dave nodded affirmatively.

"I'm not really living here anymore…and I don't intend to come back…it's sort of like storage right now."

Dave nodded again, "I see…well I'll be sad to see you go…"

"Yeah, I enjoyed living here too Dave."

"You know Ellen's going to miss that little dog of yours."

"Yeah," Vaughn said smiling, "Well tell her we can all go out to dinner in a while. I'll call you."

"She'll like that."

The elevator doors opened and Dave walked slower this time, walking the same pace that Sydney and Vaughn had set. He opened the door and let himself out, telling them they should stop by whenever they were finished for the mail.

Vaughn stood in the foyer of the apartment for a minute, Sydney watching him intently.

"You ok?"

"Yeah…" he said, moving forward and out of her grasp. He walked through the hallway and past the living room into the bedroom, "Wow…"

"What?"

"It's so…clean," he said laughing.

Sydney looked around, "Yeah I guess it is…"

"They sent someone…"

"Did they?" Sydney asked, "What you mean you don't keep it this clean?"

Vaughn chuckled, "No…this is not the way I left it."

"I like it…" Sydney said nodding approvingly.

Vaughn smiled, "Thanks."

"It's very…you."

He chuckled again, "Thank you…I think."

"It was a compliment."

He smiled and walked back out to the living room, sitting down on the couch. "Sit with me."

Sydney eagerly moved to the couch, sitting down next to him. "This is a nice couch."

"Yeah I love this couch."

"We should keep this when we get our house."

He smiled, "Sounds great to me."

She looked around the room, taking inventory of the things he had sitting around. "_Treasure Island_," she said with a smile in her voice.

"The original one we used to read," he said, following her gaze. "You can look around if you want."

She smiled giddily, "K, I'll be back."

He grinned, "I'll be here."


	3. Chapter 292: The Many Faces of Michael V

**Chapter 292: The Many Faces of Michael Vaughn**

_"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." – Marcel Proust_

_"The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident." – Sir Hugh Walpoe _

_"Joel: That's the movies, Ed. Try reality.__  
__Ed: No thanks." – Ellen Herman, Northern Exposure_

_"A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn." – Dave Barry_

* * *

She walked around the room, studying trinkets and pictures, and books he had on the bookshelf, fascinated with seeing this side of him, this side that she saw at her own house, but had never seen in it's own environment. He was comfortable here…even more so than her house.

There were hockey collectibles and trophies littered around the room, but less than she would have expected. The more she looked, the more she discovered about the man she thought she knew so well. He was far more complicated than people gave him credit for, a wide array of philosophy, history and classic novels filling many of the bookshelves. There were obviously ones that had been read to the point of exhaustion, several covers near falling off. She was delighted to see that one that was particularly weathered was a book of poetry, which sat next to the weathered first copy of _Treasure Island_. "Kahlil Gibran Vaughn? I would have never guessed…"

He smiled, "Yeah."

She continued onto another side of the living room, this one littered with photos of family and friends. Her favorite picture was by far one that looked like a fishing trip; a young and very blonde Vaughn standing next to his father proudly holding a small fish. She let out a surprised and touched sound when she looked at the next picture, sitting prominently between the one of him and his father and another of him and his mother. This picture was of her. She wasn't looking at the camera, but off to the left, and she struggled to remember when it had been taken.

She felt his hand around her waist, "The beach…April…before I was taken."

Before she realized, there were tears in her eyes, tears that she couldn't explain, but ones that Vaughn knew all too well. He led her back to the couch and sat down, pulling her into his arms as she snuggled closer to him.

He said nothing; just held her until she had calmed down.

"Thank you," she said quietly after the tears had stopped falling.

He didn't answer right away, "There was no other place you'd be than there, with them."

"You knew that? In April?"

"Of course…I knew that's where you belonged…"

Sydney shook her head, shaking the tears off as well. "I'm glad I finally got to see it."

"Me too…"

They sat in silence for a while, just holding each other, Sydney loving the coziness of the apartment she was loving more by the minute.

Finally, she asked quietly, "I don't have to look under the bed for a stripper do I?"

Vaughn looked at her strangely, "No…"

"Well…I heard this rumor that you've visited a few strip clubs…just making sure – you know looking for any unexplained g-strings…"

Vaughn snorted, "Nice."

She smiled and leaned up, kissing him on the cheek.

"Just don't look in the shower…"

She laughed loudly, "Oh I'm so going to now."

Vaughn chuckled, "Go right ahead."

"You wanna take some stuff back with us today?"

"Yeah there's some stuff I'd like to have…" he said, getting up.

Sydney stayed on the couch, not wanting to overstep her bounds.

"Are you coming?" he asked, standing in the doorway of the bedroom.

She looked over at him and got up, walking quickly to his side, "I didn't know if I should…I thought you might want some time alone…"

"Why?"

"Well, I mean you haven't been back here in a while…I don't know…I just thought…"

"This isn't my home anymore Sydney…it's just a place…"

She smiled, "Well…it still has all of your stuff – the stuff that makes up you…"

"No…you make up me. Home is wherever you are."

She blushed, "Vaughn…"

"Memories you always carry…whether or not the pieces of the past are with you in material form."

She smirked, "All those philosophy books…"

He smiled back, "Well, there are still a few things that I like having with me…"

"Of course," she said, taking the hand he had extended to her. "So…this is your bedroom Mr. Vaughn…"

"Yup…"

"I like the bed…"

"Ours is broken…"

"That it is…too bad we can't try it out…"

"Maybe on another trip…"

"I love the woodwork on the headboard, very ornate…very you."

He smiled and walked over to the dresser. She stayed a safe distance, still wanting to give him his space. He looked over at her and she stepped closer to him.

"Remember this?" he said, handing her something.

"Of course…it stopped the day we met…"

"That's right…my dad was right…"

She smiled, "Yes I think he was."

"Good thing I listened…"

She laughed, "You ever think of getting it fixed?" she asked.

"No," he said shaking his head.

"Why not?"

"I think it served its purpose…it stopped when it was supposed to." He looked down at the watch that Sydney had in her hand. She laid it gently back in his palm and covered his hand with hers. He smiled at her and looked down at it, watching the familiar gleam that the slightly scuffed face reflected when it caught the light. The leather band was faded brown and weathered; the gold slightly tarnished around a few of the edges, but the inside, the inside of the watch was well-intact and well preserved, saved from any harm by the glass that served as a protective bubble. Vaughn had always found that particularly significant; that no matter what outer wear the watch seemed to sustain, the inner workings of it had always stayed pristine and safe. The small gold numbers and hands as well as the silver-lined face were just as lustrous and radiant as when the watch was brand new.

"I want to take this with us…" Vaughn said after a few minutes, handing it to her. "You wanna get a bag? There should be some duffle bags in the closet."

Sydney nodded and carefully folded the band of the watch. She turned on the closet light and smiled; there, in Vaughn's closet was more of what she wished she could have seen such a long time ago. Something so simple as his closet was something much more when they couldn't be together. Seeing his suits, neatly pressed and dry-cleaned, next to hockey jerseys and tee shirts brought a smile to her face that she couldn't possibly hold in.

Shoes and boxes lined the bottom, and Sydney found herself memorizing this closet; the layout, the way he had his things hung up. She looked up and found the duffel bags on the top shelf of the closet. There were various baseball hats up there and she smiled, grabbing a few of them for him.

"Ok, what else do you want me to get?" she asked as she stepped back out into the room, setting the duffel bag on the bed.

"Uhm, can you get that box down?" he asked, pointing to a box on the top shelf.

Sydney got it down and opened the lid for him.

"Evidence," he said smiling.

Sydney started to chuckle when she saw him pull out a few of the 'mini' hockey jerseys that his mother had shrunk. "You did keep them."

"I did. Never know when you might need something like that."

"Yeah, so we're taking these then?"

"Yes."

"K got it. What else?"

"Uhm…I need my Kings Jersey."

"Which one?" Sydney said laughing, "There's like…12."

He smiled, "That one," he said pointing.

"K," Sydney folded it neatly and put it in the bag with the mini jerseys.

"And poor Will and I need some action movies…so I'm gonna go get a few of those."

Sydney snorted, "Ok."

"Can you grab _Treasure Island_ too?"

She smiled, "Sure."

"Poetry might be good…and Kahlil."

"Got it. You planning to read to me?"

"Sure." He walked off to the living room and came back with a stack of movies.

Sydney took the stack and glanced over a few of the titles. She snorted, "Guy movies huh?"

"What?"

"_Moulin Rouge_ Vaughn?"

He grinned, "It's a good movie."

She smiled at him, "I love you."

"I love you too."

Sydney looked over the rest of the titles and started to read them as she sat down on the bed, "_Mothman Prophecies, Scream Trilogy, Sixth Sense, Slap Shot, Mystery Alaska, Stir of Echoes, Young Guns 1_ AND _2_? Vaughn I sure hope you don't intend for me to watch these movies with you."

"Nope…Will can watch them all with me," he said simply.

She snorted, "Right. _Whole Nine Yards, Dead Man on Campus, Fast and the Furious, Liar Liar, The River _

_Wild, Face/Off, Con Air, Usual Suspects, A Time to Kill_. What is this like a marathon?"

"Oh come on – you'll like some of those."

"Well John and Nicolas are attractive."

"Oh shit."

"What?"

"Is this another Viggo thing?"

Sydney laughed, "Maybe."

"Maybe I should go pick out a few of my other movies…" Vaughn said.

"Which ones? More action?"

"Action of a different kind," Vaughn said with a raised brow.

"You have THOSE kind?"

He smiled, "Sure."

"Those might come in handy actually…" Sydney said with a mischievous smile.

"I recommend _Passenger 69_…"


	4. Chapter 293: Porn and Pizza

**Chapter 293: Porn and Pizza**

_"Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!  
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe." – Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Joss Whedon_

_"Spike: 'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!" – Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Joss Whedon_

_"Spike: Oooh. Poor watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? "Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea..." – Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Joss Whedon_

_"My idea of feng shui is to have them arrange the pepperoni in a circle on my pizza." – Unknown_

_"(Kenneth) Star...(has) done what I could not do in a quarter century: make pornography more widely available." – Larry Flint, on the evidence against Pres. Bill Clinton_

* * *

Sydney looked at him, "While I can about imagine what happens in that one…"

"Oh I think you might be slightly mistaken."

"Well then do tell."

"Well the President and his wife are on Air Force One...first they get strip-searched and then the plane gets hijacked and they are forced to have sex with lots of people…"

Sydney chuckled.

"Very thrilling, edge of your seat action," he said with a wink. He thought a moment, "_In the Army Now_ was also quite amusing."

"Isn't that a Pauly Shore movie?"

"Not this version…A General is in charge of new recruits and she makes them do stuff to her to pass tests and when she's not sure if they pass or not, she has to go to the Major's office where she shows her exactly how the boys did these things, then the Major decides she need to see for herself. It has bunk beds, very amusing."

Sydney smiled at him, "Well my, my. Where are these movies? Next to the playboys?"

"I told you not to go in the shower…" he said with a grin.

"They're not in the bathroom are they?" she asked seriously.

He laughed, "No."

"Well? Does your mother know about this Mr. Vaughn?"

He laughed again, "Probably…it's not like she doesn't know I'm male."

Sydney grinned, "How many of these do you have?"

"Uhm…not that many."

"Where. Now."

He smiled and took her hand, going back out into the living room, "They're behind those movies…" he said pointing.

"Good place," Sydney said nodding. She walked over and moved the other movies out of the way. "Oh, we're so taking these three…" she said handing him the two he had told her about and one of her choosing.

He looked at the box, "_My Boyfriend's Back_…"

"Yeah…what?"

"Uhm…you want me to tell you what it's about?"

"What is has a plot?"

"Don't they all?"

She laughed, "Ok."

"Well…this one…the boyfriend comes home to find his girlfriend in bed with another woman. I thought it would be great…until the other boyfriend comes looking for her…then it gets…well not my territory. Didn't say that on the box."

Sydney giggled, "Well then…I might want to see that."

"I might want to fast forward."

"What about this one?"

"Oh _Horny Housewives_…that's a better one. Four neighborhood women have like men over…like the mailman makes the rounds; one has a plumber over to check the shower. An electrician and an air conditioner repairman…he has to take off his clothes cause it's too hot. And the pool boy swims naked – it's a job requirement. Vacuum cleaner guy needs to demonstrate the sucking action. Then all the wives meet in a backyard to show each other all the stuff they learned. It's great. Then there's some nice group action when the husbands all come home." He stopped, looking back at her.

"You remember all movies this well Michael?"

He smirked, "Sometimes."

"_Horny Housewives_, I want to know what to look for when I call repairmen over to our house…"

Vaughn stopped, "Yeah I'll be fixing everything."

Sydney took the movies and put them in the bag with the others, "What else do you want to take?"

"Uh…give me a second, I'm a little incoherent at the moment."

Sydney smiled, "Did I take you by surprise?"

"Not really…"

"Mmhmm…take all the time you need."

"That bed's looking better and better…" After a minute he said, "I need my hockey stick."

Sydney chuckled, "Ok…"

"Separation anxiety…can we take my skates too?"

"Sure honey."

"And the pictures – the one of my dad and I and my mom and I and the one of you."

She smiled, "Why, you need a picture to remember me?"

"No, I just want it with me."

"K." She brought the duffel bag out and put the pictures safely in the bag.

There was a knock at the door and Sydney went to answer it.

"Hey," Dave said when she opened it.

"Hi, come on in."

"I thought I'd save you the trip," he said, setting the bag of mail down.

"Thanks Dave, that was nice of you."

"No problem. You taking some stuff with you today?"

"Yeah a few things," Vaughn replied.

"Well if you need any help, let me know…"

"Yeah we might, thanks."

"Just give me a call, I'll come back up." He waved and walked out, closing the door quietly.

"He's nice," Sydney said, turning back to Vaughn.

"Yeah he is."

"Ok, well…what else?"

"I think that's it. I really don't need any clothes…or like toiletries. I have all that stuff at the house."

"Right."

"I think that's it for now."

"Ok, you wanna take one last check?"

"Sure…can we stop and get something for lunch on the way home? I'm getting kinda hungry."

"Sure. What do you want?"

"Can we get pizza?"

She smiled, "I guess."

"We should get it from Joey's."

"Joey's Pizza?" Sydney said, "For real?"

Vaughn smiled, "Yeah."

"There is one really?"

"Yes."

"Fun!"

Vaughn laughed, "Yeah. We can pick it up, it's not too far away from here."

"Cool, I'll order."

Sydney went to order the pizza as Vaughn made his final rounds around the apartment. He came back to the couch with something else in his hand as Sydney hung up with the pizza place.

"Cds," he said, "We still have to make a bath soundtrack."

Sydney smiled, "Yes we do. Good idea. Should I call Dave now?"

"Yeah, I think that's it."

"K," she said grabbing the phone again and calling down to Dave's apartment.

Dave appeared several minutes later and helped Sydney carry down the items that Vaughn wanted to take with him. He loaded it into Sydney's truck and then came around to Vaughn's window after Sydney had helped him in.

"You call me if you need anything else," Dave said, shaking Vaughn's hand through the window.

"Thanks Dave I will."

"Let me know when you're gonna come over and get the rest of your stuff, I'm sure Ellen will want to say goodbye as well."

"I'll be sure to let you know."

"Alright, you take care now."

"You too Dave, thanks."

Sydney smiled and said goodbye, waving to Dave as they pulled out of the parking lot.

"Ellen is his wife?" Sydney asked as they got back onto the road.

"Yeah, she's very nice. She used to bake cakes and stuff and bring them up to me. I think she thought I needed someone to cook for me or something. She'd bring casseroles too, which did come in handy when I'd get home at like 3am."

"They seem like great people."

"Yeah they are."

"You think you'll miss them?"

"No, not really. I mean I like them, but it's not like we were very close. I had dinner there once or twice. I'll enjoy living with you much more."

Sydney smiled, "I'm glad to hear that."

"You have to turn here to get to Joey's."

"I can't believe you actually used a real pizza place."

"Well if Will or Francie got suspicious, it would have to be real wouldn't it?"

Sydney smirked, "That is true."

Sydney chuckled.

"What?"

"I miss that sometimes…"

"What?"

"The calls."

He smiled, "Do you now?"

"Yeah, I mean it was one of the only times I got to see you. I'd always get excited cause we were meeting in the warehouse, all to ourselves. It was also one of the only times we were alone unless we met somewhere else. It was our place."

He smiled, "Yeah I miss it too…" He paused, "And for the record, I used to be nervous as hell."

"Well you never looked like it."

"Oh I was cool on the outside, but the inside was just a ball of nerves."

She snorted, "You did look a little pale a few times."

"Yeah that's cause I was just about to fall over."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you made me nervous…in a good way, but…yeah. It was always just so complicated. I wanted so much to just tell you how I felt, but I never thought the warehouse was a good place to do it."

She looked over at him, "It would have been sort of romantic."

He smirked, "Leave it to you to make the dank, dark, musty warehouse romantic."

"Well I'd be hard pressed to find a place that you couldn't make romantic Vaughn."

He smiled in pride, "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"I guess it was kinda sexy…us meeting there covertly…no cameras…no one else…"

"NO cameras?!" Sydney said loudly.

"No, there weren't any cameras there. It was completely secure."

"SHIT."

"What?"

"Well if I would have KNOWN that I would have jumped you there a REALLY long time ago!"

Vaughn laughed, "Damn," he said, stopping his laughter as he pointed to the driveway for Joey's. "That's too bad."

"No shit."

Sydney put the truck in park, "I'll be right back."

"K."


	5. Chapter 294: The Italian Stallion

**Chapter 294: The Italian Stallion**

_"Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance,  
And toss them on the wheels of Chance." – Juvenal_

_"Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing." – John Erskine_

_"The way to write American music is simple. All you have to do is be an American and then write any kind of music you wish." – Virgil Thompson_

_"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." – Hunter S. Thompson_

_"Music has charms to soothe the savage breast  
To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak." – William Congreve_

* * *

Vaughn turned the radio up while he waited, fiddling with the stations until he found one that seemed listen-able. He stretched his fingers while he yawned, spending a few minutes trying to work the stiffness out of them. He changed the station again, humming along with CCR's, '_Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog_.' He looked up to see what was keeping Sydney and burst out laughing. There in the middle of the pizza parlor was a young Italian man, totally hitting on Sydney. He could tell this because the young man was practically drooling all over her, his arm wandering to her shoulders every few seconds even after she repeatedly pushed it off. He found the whole scene amusing; knowing that Sydney could have had the man on his ass in a second if she wanted to.

Suddenly, an older Italian man, who he recognized as Joey himself, came flying out from behind the counter with a broom, smacking the younger man. He hurriedly ran out of the line of view, Joey chasing after him.

Sydney glanced out the window and through up her hands as she looked at Vaughn. He smiled and waved back as she talked with Joey. She walked out a few seconds later with the pizza.

When she got in the car, Vaughn was halfway through a rendition of Bruce Springsteen's '_Glory Days_.'

Sydney opened the back door and put the pizza down, "Oh my God we are so getting delivery next time."

Vaughn chuckled, "You get a new boyfriend in there?"

She shot him a look, "That was Joey's son, Joey Jr., wasn't he a gem?" She shook her head, "He kept hitting on me until Joey came out hitting him with the broom and swearing at him in Italian. I caught a number of phrases including something about him being a woman chaser and a mama's boy, and sending him back to Italy to live alone on an island." She took a deep breath, "But I did get the pizza for free then."

"Cool."

"Yeah…" She looked over at him as they started to pull out into traffic, "So…I didn't know you were a Springsteen fan…"

Vaughn chuckled, "Well…he is 'The Boss.' And he does have good music…just sorta have to sing."

"I don't think I've ever heard you sing before."

"No, I don't sing."

She chuckled, "Didn't sound too bad there Mr. Vaughn."

"Singing is not in the Vaughn blood. Hopefully you can pass your talent onto our children."

She smiled at him, "I hope so. And you still sounded fine."

"Well…"

"Do it again," she said excitedly.

"No."

"Why not?" She whined.

"Cause now I'm under pressure and I'll be all embarrassed."

"I never thought you were shy Vaughn."

He smirked, "Not very often no…"

They rode in silence for a while, the traffic moving faster than a normal rush hour, but still slower than they would have liked.

"If we're here too much longer, I'm gonna have to eat that pizza," Vaughn declared.

"You want a piece? I can get you one."

"No, I can wait," he said with a smile.

"Well tell me if you want one."

"We need a swing," he said suddenly, looking over at her.

"What?"

"A swing – like a porch swing."

She chuckled, "Uhm…ok…is there a particular reason?"

"No…they're fun and relaxing and then we could sit outside in the front and watch people."

Sydney thought a minute, "Well I guess we can go get one…"

"Don't you think a swing would be fun?"

"Sure…I guess I've never really thought about it much," she said chuckling, "but if you want one, we can get one."

"Well we're totally having one at our house…maybe two even. One for the back and one for the front."

She smiled, "Ok. Did you just come up with this now?"

"No, I've been thinking about it for awhile, but I just thought about it again now while you were in Joey's."

"Right, sure…maybe Will can pick one up tonight."

"That'd be great."

She looked over at him when they pulled into the driveway, "You're so cute…I love you."

He blushed, "I love you too…what was it that caught ya? The charm? The singing voice? The swing?"

"All the above."

She leaned over and kissed him, "Come on, let's get in the house so we can eat. Barnett's gonna be here soon."

Vaughn nodded and hobbled out of the truck, Sydney joining him after she retrieved the pizza box. "I'll get the rest later."

They walked inside and decided to forgo plates and just dig right in. They settled on the couch and turned on the television quietly for noise as they chatted over their lunch.

After they were done and Sydney had cleared away the leftovers, she grabbed the phone and set out to bring the rest of the stuff in the house, dialing Will as she carried things in.

"Tippin."

"Hey."

"Hey Syd what's up?"

"Not much, I was just wondering if you could pick something up tonight on your way home."

"Sure what do you need?"

"Well this is gonna sound kinda strange."

Will chuckled, "Right…"

"Can you get a swing?"

There was a pause and Will lowered his voice, "Is this some more weird sex shit you two have planned?"

Sydney laughed loudly, "Will…I mean a PORCH swing. What's on your mind mister?"

Will laughed back nervously, "Nothing…nothing at all."

"Right so can you pick one up?"

"Sure…what kind?"

"Vaughn?" Sydney called.

"Yeah?"

"What kind of swing do you want? Black leather? Lace?"

Will groaned.

Vaughn snorted, "Yeah right…uhm…like maybe one that has one of those canopy things."

"Canopy kind," Sydney related.

"Ok, I can do that."

"Thanks you're the best."

"I try."

"See you later."

"Bye Syd."

She hung up the phone and came back over to him, "Will's on the mission."

"Great. Thanks."

"Sure."

"Black leather?"

"Well Will thought we meant a sexual swing."

"Not a bad idea," Vaughn thought out loud.

Sydney giggled, "We should so get one and just put it up for him to see."

"We'd probably kill him."

"It would be damn funny."

"He'd probably want to just borrow it."

"True." She giggled, "So what do you wanna do before Barnett gets here? We've got maybe a half hour or so."

"Uhm…I should really sort through that mail. You wanna help?"

"Sure." She got up and retrieved the bag, bringing it over and setting it on the couch.

"Ok dig in."

"What are we doing exactly?"

"Well anything that looks important put to the side, otherwise the junk can just get tossed."

"How will I know if it's junk?"

"I trust you."

She smiled and took a stack of the mail, sorting it into two separate piles.

Vaughn did the same, tossing what seemed like junk and putting the others into a stack to look through more thoroughly.

After a few minutes, Vaughn handed her a piece of mail.

"What's this?"

"Joey's pizza flyer…it's a little outdated, but see," he pointed, "It has a nice picture of your new boyfriend."

Sydney smacked him on the shoulder, "He was gross."

Vaughn chuckled as he grabbed another stack.

"Mr. Vaughn?" Sydney said.

"Yeah?"

"Is this adult material?" she asked, holding a large envelope that was plainly marked 'Adult.'

Vaughn laughed, "Well you order a porno once, you're on the mailing list for life. Just be glad you're not marrying Weiss."

Sydney giggled and leafed through more envelopes.


	6. Chapter 295: Change of Address

**Chapter 295: Change of Address**

_"I get mail; therefore I am." – Scott Adams_

_"We just got a letter,  
We just got a letter,  
We just got a letter,  
I wonder who it's from?" – "Letter Song" – Blue's Clues_

_"Here's the mail, it never fails.  
It makes me want to wag my tail.  
When it comes I want to wail - Mail!" – "Mail Song" – Blue's Clues_

_"When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent." – S. Sachs_

* * *

When the whole bag had been sorted, there was a significantly smaller pile. Sydney threw the rest away as Vaughn started to open the 'important' mail.

"Wow…I think I could have thrown a lot of this out…" He looked over at her, "You can open some, it'll get done faster."

"Well I don't want to pry."

He looked up at her again, "Sydney…you're not prying."

She shrugged, "Well this is your private mail Vaughn."

"Nothing is private anymore…it's yours too."

She smiled, "Thank you…"

"Open away."

Sydney grabbed some of the mail and started to open it as well, "What are we keeping and what are we throwing?"

"Well anything that's really outdated, bills are kinda paid as far as I know. Any insurance offers or credit card offers can get pitched. I guess just keep any letters, hockey magazines, or bank statements, stuff like that."

"Ok," she said.

They worked steadily through the pile until it was reduced even further.

"Progress," Vaughn said sighing.

"Vaughn?" Sydney asked.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you have a Martha Stewart catalogue?"

"Because you love Martha Stewart."

"Aww…" she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, "You can just admit that you love Martha too."

He chuckled, "Right I'm a sucker for all that 'it's a good thing' stuff."

Sydney looked over at him slyly, "You know what else is a good thing Vaughn?"

"What?"

"The fact that you have lots of money to spend on me cause the CIA is paying your bills…and since there is a credit card bill in here…and I have your credit card number…I think I might do a little shopping while you're talking to Barnett."

Vaughn reached for the bill, but Sydney simply handed it over. He looked at her strangely.

"I don't need it anymore…"

"Why not?"

"Photographic memory…I already have the number…it's all up here," she said pointing to her head.

Vaughn snickered, "Well…I guess I'll have to try to make you forget then."

"And how do you propose to do that Mr. Vaughn?"

"I'm going to kiss it out of you," he said leaning over.

She giggled and eagerly kissed him back, but the doorbell interrupted them.

"Damnit," Vaughn said as Sydney chuckled walking over to the door.

"Hello Dr. Barnett," she said happily as she moved out of the way to let her in.

"Hello Sydney. Hello Michael."

"Hi."

"I'm gonna go out for a while…do a little shopping," Sydney said, grabbing her purse and kissing Vaughn on the cheek.

He shook his head, "Have fun with my credit card."

"Oh I think we'll get along famously," she said waving, "See you later."

Barnett chuckled and sat down on the couch next to Vaughn. "You seem to have a little bit of mail here Michael."

"A little bit yeah," he said smiling, "We were just trying to sort through it."

"How was your weekend?"

Vaughn smiled widely, "It was great. Really, really great."

Barnett chuckled.

"I think it was by far the best weekend I've had so far."

"And why was that?"

"Everyone was here, it was just…fun. More fun than…it seemed so normal. Everyone was just getting together, having a great time. Eric brought his girlfriend and her daughter, Annie," he smirked, "She was a definite highlight. Just the way she looked at the world; was so unbelievable refreshing. She's so innocent, and it's so nice to be around someone like that for a while, ya know? Someone who doesn't know what the world is really like. And I had to try to explain what happened to me so she'd understand…she was so great," he said smiling uncontrollably. "I had my first ride in a car since it happened and my mom came down too and spent the weekend with us and…just all those small things that you sort of forget, they mean so much more now. I got the sling off," he said, lifting his arm, "which was like the biggest victory since wearing shoes. And even though it hurts to have it off sometimes, and it's stiff and sore and everything, just knowing that it's gone is liberating, progress that I can see. It was just…great," he concluded, with a large, contented sigh and a smirk that was about to break his face.

Barnett smiled back at him, "That's great Michael, I'm glad you had a good weekend. Did you do your homework?" She asked slyly.

Vaughn chuckled, "Yes…yes I did."

"And?" she prodded with a smirk.

"Well you asked me to write emotions that I was feeling…and obviously I felt ones that I hadn't in a long time. I think the two biggest ones were hope and love. I mean, I guess I had hope before, but it's sort of hard to see the end of the tunnel day-to-day. It wasn't possible NOT to have hope when I was playing tag with Annie. And seeing what was possible, what I've already accomplished, makes me think that I can at least imagine the end…I'm always surrounded by love anytime I'm with Sydney, but it was so much larger, branched out…this whole network of people that she's help to create, it's like they're all missing pieces to the puzzle of our life. And I think the best thing, is that…she makes me want to be better, she makes me want to be a better person, for her, for myself, for everybody. But I also know that if I wasn't better, if I stayed right here, where I am now, that she'd love me the same…no questions asked."

"Your love for each other is very evident," Barnett nodded.

"I didn't write this in my journal, but I'm also sort of proud of myself…"

Barnett cocked her head, "Why is that?"

"Because I went back to the alley…"

Barnett didn't respond.

"The alley where they took me."

"I see…you did this over the weekend too?"

"Yeah, yesterday actually…before the barbeque, that was the first car ride…"

"Wow…Did you decide this?"

"Yeah…Sydney wasn't so sure, but I told her I thought I had to go back."

"I can see where she'd be concerned…Why did you feel you had to go back?"

"Because I was sick of letting it scare me. I wanted coffee," he smiled, "and I wanted it from there…and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding our coffee shop."

"How did you feel on the way there?"

"Scared, nervous…Sydney was with me, and I know she was worried, but I was determined to do it…I think I got more scared the closer we got obviously. I remember she kept asking me if I was ok, and telling me we didn't have to do it…So she sort of accepted it…until I told her to park in the alley…"

Barnett regarded him a moment, "Why did you tell her to park there?"

"It happened there…maybe I was curious, I don't know. But parking down the block or out front wasn't the same; it was just…skirting it. It would have been the same thing and I still would have been running away. Sydney didn't want to leave me alone, but again, if she was there, even though I knew she wanted to be, and I wanted her there to hold my hand, I had to do it alone…she can't face every single thing with me. So I made her go in and get the coffee and I stayed in the car…"

"And how did you feel when she left?"

He smiled sadly, half-chuckling, "Alone…" He stopped a minute and then started again, "It was cool in the car…but I was sweating. I tried to calm myself down, I know my hands were shaking, and I closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them…and looked down the alley, it was like a movie playing in front of me. The van was there again, the guy hit me over the head, dragged me into the van…after the…memories stopped, it suddenly felt like the truck was that van, and all I wanted to do was get out. The walls were closing in, and the alley wasn't all that inviting, but there wasn't any air in the truck…even though it was pouring out of the vents, it was like I couldn't breathe in there…I didn't want to stay, but I didn't want to get out either…"

He stopped a minute again, Barnett not interrupting him.

"I finally closed my eyes and forced myself to open the door. I mean, it was either stay in the truck and suffocate or get out and face the alley…" he let out a deep breath, "so I got out…and scared the shit out of Sydney cause I left the door open." He chuckled, "Poor woman…she had to go back in and get more coffee cause she dropped the first batch." He looked up, off at the wall, "We went to the beach after that and sort of talked things over."

"What happened in the alley?" Barnett asked quietly.

Vaughn sighed, "I'm not sure really…I mean I was just as scared as I was out there as I was in the car, but getting out, actually planting my feet on the concrete, I think a part of me was forcing the confrontation. I think that's why I couldn't breathe…I keep thinking that, at the time, I thought the truck was the safe place, and the alley was not, but if I stayed in the truck then I wasn't lessening any fears I had. The place that was scaring me the most was the place I needed to be in order to confront it. I just sort of stood there, I walked around a little bit, took in the alley and tried to remind myself that I was just a place, just a bunch of bricks. The van and the men, they weren't permanent fixtures, and they weren't there anymore…I remember I took a bunch of deep breathes to try and calm down, sort of repeating this mantra that it was just an alley…I didn't do the deep breathing much though cause I think I would have passed out," he said with a smile.

"Deep breathing is a good technique…did you go to the Pier?"

"I don't think I was exactly in that frame of mind to remember."

"That's very understandable…What do you think would happen if you were to go back again now? Do you think you'd be as scared this time around?"

Vaughn thought a moment, "I think I'd be less scared than I was…I don't think I'd react quite the same way…I mean the initial fear is over, but I also don't think it will ever just be a 'place' again. It will always have a connotation with it no matter how many times I go back. I think it will lessen the more I go back…at least I hope it will. The images, I think, would still be there…and I'm not sure how to make them go away."

"They might never go away Michael…do you think you can live with that?"

"Well I sort of have to, don't I?" he said sadly.

"Unfortunately, you do…"

"I think with time it'll get better…I mean it has already. Certain places just make it…rawer than it usually is."

"Absolutely," Barnett said nodding.

"Can I ask you a question?" Vaughn said, not looking at Barnett.

"Of course."

"It's not that I think it will be soon…but…I guess over the weekend I was just thinking about it more…"

"And what's that?"

Vaughn met her eyes, "How long do you think it will be before I get reinstated again?"

Barnett thought a moment, "That's a difficult question Michael."

He nodded, "Yeah."

"It's one thing to be back…it's another to be field rated."

"I understand that."

Barnett took another minute, "The physical aspect will come first. Ideally, the agency would want you to be 100 back to your physical status, but I'm sure once you're getting close to that, they'll allow you to go on recon missions and handle the communication aspects."

"Right."

"The mental, psychological aspect is more complicated Michael. You will most likely get the physical back before the mental, I'm sure you understand why."

"Yeah, I do."

Barnett nodded, "It's harder to gauge when you'll be mentally ready to go back. Nightmares and things of that nature are going to happen, but the field is different. I have to be assured that you're capable of handling the intense situations you're placed in while on the job. Lives are often at stake, and it's my job to make sure that a flashback that might be triggered won't delay you and cost those lives. You can't hesitate out in the field, anything more than a split second where your concentration is broken is going to wind up in unnecessary death."

Vaughn nodded, "I don't want to go back either until I know I'm ready…" he paused, looking down again, "Just all the waiting sucks."

"I know it does. You need to know though that it's nothing you did wrong. You're not being punished for being tortured, the torture in itself was more than terrible, but you of all people know that laxity, even with the best intentions, is almost always a mistake. A mistake I know you're not willing to risk."

"No I don't want my mistake to kill anyone else, or myself for that matter. And I would kill myself if I did something that cost Sydney her life."

"Exactly…I'm really glad you asked Michael, it shows me that you're thinking about what comes after, and that's a great sign. Having an idea of a goal, even if it's a long ways off, is good."

He took a deep breath and gave her a slow smile.

"It's not only you we have to be sure of either…"

"What do you mean?"

"There are other people involved in this that have to be ready for you to come back."

"You mean Sydney," he said, not in a questioning form.

"Yes. She can't second-guess herself or you. She trusts you with her life, but she has to able to trust you with anyone else's life that's on your team or on your mission. She can't worry about how you're adapting to something, or worry about you getting hurt. She can't protect you, or focus just on you, because there are other people that will be counting on you both. She can't falter and wonder constantly of how you're handling things, or how a certain place is affecting you."

"That'll be hard for her."

"Not if you're ready."

Vaughn smiled, "Right."

"I think you've made remarkable progress again this weekend Michael."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome…and I hope that all the progress continues…I only have one concern…"

"What's that?"

"You've done a lot just since the last time I saw you. Is there a reason that you're doing it all right now? Are you trying to move it along faster?"

Vaughn thought a minute, "No…I don't think I'm trying to hurry it along…if you mean like…am I trying to convince myself I'm better, then it's definitely no. I think I know I have a long ways to go yet, and I realize that there are things that aren't going to go away…it's just the prospect of normalcy again, gave me the push I guess. I think during some part of the weekend, I came to realize that…I was different. I was seeing things differently, more positively maybe? I went back to where everything started…sort of overcame or at least lessened the fear…seems too important not to be a turning point."

"I just want to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons," Barnett explained.

"I think I am…I want to get better, and I won't get better if I don't push myself. For Sydney, my mom, everyone; but for me too. I don't want to be like this forever. And I won't ever have that normal life again if I don't get started," he said smirking.

"That's an excellent way to look at it. I'm glad you want it for yourself too…"

"I do."

Barnett nodded, "Did you get a bell yet?"

Vaughn snorted, "No, not yet…I'll work on it."

Barnett was about to speak when Vaughn interrupted, "Can I suggest my own homework?"

Barnett smiled, "Sure. What did you have in mind?"

"I want to write about my whole…experience…in the journal. And I want Sydney to read it. I think that if I can get it out again, on paper, and not just telling you, that it will help. I want Sydney to know, but there are things that I just can't tell her to her face right now. I don't think she'd want me to either, but if she can read it, I think it will help her understand too…What do you think?"

"I think that's a brilliant idea Michael. Anything you think will help you, and helping Sydney always seems to help you as well. I think she'll appreciate knowing exactly what happened, even with all the gory details. You'll benefit from getting it out again, and you can work on your fears together. I'm sure you'll discuss it after, and I'm sure you'll get out a lot of things you've been wanting to tell her but couldn't and vice versa. There will be literally no secrets."

Vaughn smiled proudly, "Cool," and then added, "I don't want any secrets between us."

"Honesty is the best policy," Barnett said grinning.

"Thank you."

"You're very welcome. Keep up the great work Michael."

Vaughn nodded.

Barnett got up, "Should we call Sydney and see if she's on her way?"

Vaughn smiled, shaking his head after a moment, "No…"

Barnett leveled her eyes at him, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I think I'll be ok for a while…"

"If you're sure."

"I am."

"All right. Then I'll see you on Wednesday. Good luck with your journaling. I'll be interested to see how it goes."

"Bye Dr. Barnett."

"Goodbye Michael."


	7. Chapter 296: Only 2375 Interest

**Chapter 296: Only 23.75 Interest**

_"Creditors have better memories than debtors." – Benjamin Franklin_

_"CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions." – Ambrose Bierce_

_"I don't really trust a sane person." – Lyle Alzado_

_"The body is shaped, disciplined, honored, and in time, trusted." – Martha Graham_

_"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." – Mother Teresa_

* * *

Sydney pulled in the driveway to find that Barnett's car was gone. She hurriedly got out, fearing the worst. Vaughn jumped as the front door flew open and a slightly disheveled Sydney stumbled in after it.

"Syd?" he asked.

"Vaughn…" she looked around the room, "Where's Barnett?"

"She left."

"She left you alone?!" She yelled.

"No…we were done with therapy and I told her she didn't have to stay…I am capable of staying alone Sydney…and she only left a few minutes ago."

"Still! What if you would have needed something!?"

"Then I would have called you."

"And what if I wasn't near home yet?"

"Then I would have called someone who was…"

"Like who!?"

"Sydney," he said, trying to keep his voice calm, "I'm going to be alone eventually…and I'm fine. I can get around enough."

Sydney sighed and sat down, "I don't know if I'm ready for you to be alone."

Vaughn laughed, "You'll get used to it again."

"I don't want to leave you alone."

"I know but eventually it's going to happen, and it should happen."

"Were you scared?"

"No, not really. I knew you weren't that far away…and it's our house…so…only a little bit," he said smiling.

"Ok, well the fact that I was terrified to find you alone…what does that say?"

"That you love me?"

"Yeah, I do."

"It's fine…what did you max out my credit card on?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

Sydney smiled, "Are you trying to change the subject?"

"Is it working?"

"Only slightly. I just want you to be ok Vaughn."

"I will be…but to be ok, I have to do some things on my own. You can't be there all the time – we talked about this after the alley."

"I know…but I don't have to like it," she said resolutely.

He smiled, running his finger over her cheek, "I'm ok."

She sighed and nodded, "Ok."

"So what did you buy?"

She smiled, "I have to go get the bags…I sort of left them out there."

Vaughn chuckled, "K go get them."

Sydney's mood lightened and as she opened the door the second time, she literally skipped through it, bounding over to the couch and placing the bags in a mishmash in front of her. "Ok…first…we really have to talk about upping the limit on your card…" she said, completely seriously.

Vaughn swallowed, "Why?" he asked, slightly afraid.

Sydney burst into a fit of giggles, "Wow, you bought that one hook, line and sinker."

"That was not necessary…to scare an injured man like that."

"I couldn't resist," she snorted, "The look on your face," she dissolved into more giggles.

"That's real nice…"

She tried to contain herself, "Ok…" she lost it again, "Sorry…alright, I got you," she dug into the bag closest to her, "More socks…and some new boxers – see they have glow in the dark smileys in case I get lost at night…"

Vaughn snorted, "Nice…how am I gonna find you?"

Sydney held up her index finger, "Aha! I knew you were gonna ask that, so I have some too – only they're not boxers – they're matching smiley face panties and bra…" she said nodding.

"Dear lord."

"Oh you'll love them when we play with them."

"They're just going to wind up on the floor."

"Maybe we'll play on the floor then."

Vaughn thought a moment, "I could get into that."

Sydney chuckled, "Ok then I got you some new tee shirts."

"Syd."

"And I got you these shorts – look aren't they cool – they have pockets on the sides here – like hidden ones, I love pockets, and–"

"Syd."

"–they also have this fun belt that like is just the coolest thing – see – see that?"

"Sydney."

"And I got you this windbreakers, cause if you're gonna be sitting out on a swing, some nights it gets kinda cool and I think you should have one."

"SYDNEY!"

"What?" she asked, looking at him oddly.

"I did not need all this stuff – you buy me socks like every other week – do you think I go through them that quickly?"

"No…I don't like to do laundry," she said smirking.

He sighed, "Ok…did you get anything else for yourself?"

"Sure, I got a few shirts, and this one really cool pair of shorts too, you're gonna love 'em."

"Right…Sydney…"

"Yeah?"

"How much did you really spend here?"

Sydney laughed, "I didn't use your card silly, I used mine."

Vaughn stared at her for a minute, "You are so mean."

"Come on I bought you socks!"

"Mean."

"Well," she dug into the bag, "here," she said handing him something from the bag. "Maybe that'll make up for it."

Vaughn accepted the small, flat, white paper bag that she offered to him. He looked inside and pulled out two strips of thick paper. He looked at them for a minute and then looked up at Sydney, who was smirking. The smirk slowly turned into a fully dimpled smile. "Do you…I…Syd…I…" he looked at her in shock.

"Like them?"

"I can't believe…you…how? These…how?"

She chuckled, "I have a few connections…"

"This is the first Kings game this year."

"I know."

"It's in October…the 17th…"

"I know…"

He looked down at the tickets again, holding them like they were the most precious gemstone in the world. He read the ticket, "October 17th, 2003. The Los Angeles Kings Vs. The Anaheim Mighty Ducks. 7:05 PM, Staples Center. Section 101, Seat 8 and Seat 9," he said, almost whispering. "Do you know where these seats are!?" he asked suddenly very emphatically, showing her the tickets.

She laughed, "Yes…I do."

"These are like…the best seats in the house," he said in awe, looking down at them again. "I still…how did you? These are like the most coveted seats in the Kings world."

"Like I said, I have connections."

Vaughn beamed at her, pulling her closer and kissing her fully on the mouth. "I love you. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. I'm glad you like them. So am I forgiven?"

"For the rest of your life, yes, you are."

Sydney chuckled, "I'll remember that."

She took a few more items out of the bags, but realized they were completely paled by his new golden tickets, which he refused to let go of.

"How was therapy?" She asked finally.

He smiled, still holding the tickets, "Good. Barnett's proud of me."

"I am too."

"Yes I know…it's just fun when she is too. She says I'm making good progress."

"That's excellent."

"Yeah…she was sort of concerned cause I was doing things so fast, but as long as I'm doing them for the right reasons, then I'm ok."

"And you are?"

"Yeah I think so…" he paused a minute and then added, "I also suggested my own homework."

"That's great…what did you suggest?"

He looked down and then met her eyes again, "I'm going to finish my journal tomorrow – the one about what happened to me…so you can read it…"

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"And that's not rushing things?"

"I think it will help. Barnett said if I think it will, then I should do it…and I think it will help you too…if you want to read it and you're willing to do it tomorrow."

"Yeah, I can read it tomorrow…I just don't want you to push yourself too much so you have to get it all out at once."

"I don't think I'd want to do it in pieces," he admitted quietly, "and I don't want any secrets."

"Me neither."

"Ok," he took a deep breath, "then tomorrow it is."

"Only if you're sure."

He smiled, "I'm sure…and thank you again…for the tickets."

She smirked, "I knew you'd like them…am I ever going to get them out of your grasp?"

"Not for a while no."

"Ok. I'm gonna take the stuff in the bedroom, you wanna finish your mail then?"

"Sure."


	8. Chapter 297: What’s in a Name?

**Chapter 297: What's in a Name?**

_"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife." – Ilie Nastase_

_"Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble." – Dennis Fakes_

_"When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd Mortgages and junk like that, you know most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want. Keep 'em guessing!" – Anonymous_

* * *

Sydney nodded, taking the bags, and kissed him quickly on her way to the bedroom. Vaughn sat, just staring at the tickets with a goofy smile on his face. Sydney took in his appearance and smirked, "What're you smiling about?"

He grinned, "Oh nothing…just trying to decide who I want to take to the game, Weiss or Will."

Sydney guffawed, "Oh that was just low."

"Turn about is fair play," he said, waving the tickets in front of her.

She tackled him gently, trying to get the tickets back, but he kissed her instead. Once she pulled away, she grinned, "Yup…you're good at that…distracted me."

"I thought so," he said proudly.

She dropped the large pile of mail in his lap, "There have fun," she said walking away.

"Hey…aw man…"

Sydney giggled and came back a few minutes later, "Got it all sorted?"

He sighed, "No…it's really hard to do when I only have one hand to use cause my other one has a vice grip on the tickets."

She laughed and sat down, grabbing half the stack and looking to see if it was really important or not. By the time they were both done with their respective piles, the sum of mail was gigantically smaller. "There," Sydney said, looking at their work, "much better."

"Funny how I really don't need any of it," he said with a grin.

"Yeah, what do you want to do now?"

"Uhm…" he thought, "Well…something that does not require me to put down the tickets."

Sydney snorted, "Give them to me, we'll lock them in our new porn drawer for safe keeping."

Vaughn handed her the tickets, "Good thinking."

Once she came back out, she asked, "You wanna do some work maybe?"

"Sure, we could do some."

"Alright, let me get the laptop and the files."

"Ok."

"What are you doing?" Sydney asked, looking over at the laptop screen after they had been working for a while.

"Nothing…" Vaughn said, blushing slightly.

"Vaughn…that does not look like a work-related screen…"

"Uhm…"

"Vaughn."

"It's…research…"

Sydney smirked, "All those pastel colors kinda give you away there, sweetie."

Vaughn looked over at her, "Yeah…so I took a break."

"Mmhmm…and…exactly what are you researching?" she asked, moving closer to him.

"I was just…looking…"

"Well…yeah."

"I thought we already named our first two kids, remember?"

"Yeah, I know…I was just looking…never know we might change our minds…and we'll have more to name…thought a head start might be good."

She smiled and kissed his cheek, "You're gorgeous."

He grinned back, his dimples peeking out, "Not half as gorgeous as you are."

"So what are you looking at specifically here? I don't think it's fair for you to have all the fun and get all the cool names right away so I look stupid when I suggest some really boring name."

He laughed, "There was this really amusing part about celebrity names on this other site…some of those were horrendous."

"Like what?"

"Let me get back there," he said.

She giggled.

"What?"

"You book marked them?"

He blushed, "Yeah," he said with a shrug.

Sydney put hand on his chest, "I love you."

He looked over at her, "I love you too."

"It's adorable that you book marked the sites."

He smiled, "Thanks…ok here they are – the most popular celebrity names for this year, just take a lil peek."

"Oh that's awful…"

"Right, yeah – never naming our child Diezel…or dear lord – Daisy Boo…what the FUCK are these people on?"

"Dixie Dot? Seriously Vaughn if I ever suggest anything like that…shoot me…save our child."

He chuckled, "Ha! Cordelia from Buffy named her kid Donovan!"

The dog barked and looked up at Vaughn expectantly.

Sydney chuckled, "Not you Donovan…"

The dog waited a minute and then curled up on the floor.

"Winsor Dewey Harmon IV…poor child…"

"Crumpet?! You think they're high or something?"

"Perhaps…or maybe they were just hungry for that one…"

"I mean I'm all for interesting names…but…wow. Naming your kid after a biscuit…"

"It's a good thing they have money," Sydney said shaking her head, "Maybe they can change their names some day."

"Yeah…" Vaughn smiled, "You can find out the meanings of names too…"

"Can you now?" Sydney asked with a smirk.

"Yup…wanna know what your name means? I figured it out earlier."

Sydney's smile got bigger, "Yeah, what does it mean."

"Ok…Sydney I had to do some research on, because it's a rather uncertain, but most places list it as deriving from 'Saint Denis' and Anne means 'Graceful or Gracious,' which I found particularly appropriate."

"Aww Vaughn…that's really interesting…what does yours mean?"

"Michael means 'Who is like the Lord,' and Christopher means 'Christ-bearer,'" he said, adding, "But the really amusing one was I found 'Vaughn' on there too and that means 'Small.'"

Sydney snorted, "Well…don't have to worry about that…the other ones are quite interesting."

"Yeah…my parents weren't really that religious though…they were just family names…"

"Well…it fits anyway."

"Thanks," he said with a smile.

"And did you look up our first child's name?"

"Yes," he said nodding, "and that was quite interesting too…"

"Why?"

"Well…we already know what Michael means…but you know what William means?"

"What?" Sydney asked expectantly.

"It means 'Valiant,' 'Resolute Protector' or 'Determined Guardian,'" he said with a smile, "so if you put that all together, William Michael means, 'Valiant, Resolute Protector or Determined Guardian Who is like the Lord." He paused, "Small."

Sydney laughed, "Oh that's great Vaughn…" She softened, "But before the added 'Small,' I think that should have been your name…"

He smirked, "Your dad is really Jonathan right?"

"Yep."

"What's his middle name?"

"Donahue."

Vaughn snickered, "Let me try that one…"

Sydney waited patiently.

"Well…whatdya know."

"What?" Sydney asked.

"Jonathan Donahue means 'Gift from God & Dark Warrior.' Kinda describes your dad to a T, doesn't it?"

Sydney smiled warmly and snuggled closer to Vaughn, "Yeah it does…that's really accurate." She waited a moment and then asked, "What about our name we picked out for our daughter?"

"Skyler means 'Shelter,' 'Scholar,' 'Eternal Life,' 'Strength,' 'Love,' or 'Beauty,' and Emerald means 'Bright Green Gem.'"

"That's beautiful…"

"She will be…just like you."

"Well if she's anything like her mommy, she'll love you more than anything…I can see it now, total Daddy's girl…"

Vaughn smiled, "I'd like a little girl…"

"Yes, I could see that when you were with Annie."

He nodded, "I'd like a little boy too…I'm not picky…" He paused a moment, "Twins work too…"

Sydney groaned, "Oh lord…I don't know if we can handle two screaming children."

"It's amazing what you can handle when you have to…" he said quietly.

Sydney looked at him, "We do…and we would…but can I just say I'd rather have them one at a time."

He smirked, "That works…we can have them one at time…like 12 times…"

Sydney hit him on the shoulder, "You do realize I will be the one carrying that dozen children."

Vaughn nodded, "Yes…but just think of all the massages and foot rubs and dinners and yeah…pregnant sex you'll be having."

Sydney giggled, "That's true…you might just make it all worth it…"

The phone rang and Sydney got up to answer it after kissing Vaughn quickly. "Hello?"


	9. Chapter 298: If My Heart Could Speak

**Chapter 298: If My Heart Could Speak**

_"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." – G.K. Chesterton_

_"The dance is a poem of which each movement is a word" – Mata Hari_

_"I am not Rimbaud to tell you great words; I am not Verlaine to tell you poems; I am just myself to tell you that I love you." – Unknown_

_"When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses." – John F. Kennedy_

_"But all art is sensual and poetry particularly so. It is directly, that is, of the senses, and since the senses do not exist without an object for their employment all art is necessarily objective. It doesn't declaim or explain, it presents." – William Carlos Williams_

_"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people from the limited ways in which they see and feel." – Jim Morrison_

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hello Sydney, it's Nicole."

"Oh hi Nicole."

"I just wanted to call and thank you again for having us over."

"Oh it was our pleasure. You're welcome any time."

"I also have a very urgent message that must be delivered to Michael."

Sydney chuckled, "Ok…"

"It's from Annie."

There was a voice in the background, "She's not apposed to know dat Mommy!!"

"Oh right, sorry Sydney, I have an urgent message from…someone…for Michael."

Sydney laughed and handed Vaughn the phone, "Someone would like to speak with you."

Vaughn took the phone, "Hello?"

"Pssst…is dis Mictoby?"

Vaughn tried not to laugh, "Yes it is…"

"Dis is Taddole…"

"Taddole?" Vaughn asked, smiling widely.

"Dat's my secret name…"

"Oh I see…what's up Tadpole?"

"Well…when I camed home…I told my fishies all about you Mictoby and now they really want to meet ya…Tad specially…he wants you to come and bisit him…and I want ya ta see my bedroom dat Eric pickeded the color for…"

Vaughn smiled, "I'd love to honey, we'll have to see when we can ok?"

"Ok…but I want ya ta come soon…" she said in a very small voice.

"I'll try Tadpole."

"Can't ya come over today?"

Vaughn smiled, "I don't think so sweetie. Not tonight. But really really really soon, ok?"

Annie sighed, "Alright…"

Nicole came back on the line, "Hello."

"Hi."

"That was quite the spy conversation. I think she's learning."

Vaughn chuckled, "Yes I think so. She wants me to meet the fishies."

"You're welcome to meet them anytime."

"We'll call and come some time soon."

"That sounds good."

"Talk to you later."

"Bye Michael."

Vaughn handed Sydney the phone and she smiled at him, "Having a very covert phone call there…"

"Yes, I think she's really taking this spy thing to heart. I am supposed to 'bisit' the fishies."

"She's so in love with you…and I don't blame her one bit."

Vaughn sighed, "Yeah, I'm just so irresistible."

Sydney chuckled, "Yeah and modest too."

"That's me."

"You wanna do some more work or something else?" She added, "Actually, do you want to do some work at all since you were copping out or do you want to something else?"

Vaughn smirked, "Hey, I did a good five, maybe ten minutes of work before I took my break."

"Right."

"Uhm…no I think we can do something else."

Sydney nodded, "K…wanna unpack your stuff?"

"Sure."

"You need help?" Sydney asked before she went off to grab the bag they had packed.

"No…I think I'm ok," he said, scooting to the end of the couch and wincingly getting up. "Lead the way," he said, following slowly behind her.

She dropped the bag on the bed and unzipped it, taking things out and laying them on the spread. "Ok, where do you wanna put this stuff?"

"Your room, you decide."

"Our room, where do you want them?" Sydney said forcefully.

He smiled, "Uhm…maybe the pictures of my mom and dad could go on the dresser…"

"You can have them anywhere…" Sydney said reaffirming.

"Well you're the decorator."

She laughed, "If you want them on the dresser, they can go there or they can go on the nightstand. You might be able to see them better." She looked at her side of the bed and the corresponding nightstand, "Why don't we put your parents on your side of the bed like the picture of my dad is on mine…"

"Sure."

"And I hate to tell you, but I think we might have to put the skates and the hockey stick in the closet."

He laughed, "That's ok…they're here."

She grabbed the skates and the stick and put them in the closet, hanging up his hockey jerseys as well. She chuckled, "What do you want to do with the mini jerseys?"

"Uhm, just put them somewhere where we can pull them out the next time mom is here for a visit."

"Ok." She took out the books and the cds and the large array of movies that he packed.

"Hey," he said grabbing the hats she had thrown in the bag, "Thanks."

"I thought you might want a few."

"Yeah I wanted one the other day…"

She smiled, "I think the movies should stay in here…in the drawer in my nightstand…that I can lock…" she said clearing her throat.

Vaughn laughed, "Good idea."

"The other ones, it's up to you – we can keep them separate so they don't get mixed in with the 'house' movies…"

"No, they can go out there. That's fine."

"Ok, I'll take them out in a bit." She grabbed the Cds, "These we'll keep in here so we don't forget to make the bath soundtrack."

"Good idea."

"Ok…I think that's it…"

"Cool. What are we gonna do now?"

"Hmm…" Sydney made a production of thinking, "I know…" she said happily, grabbing a book and grabbing his hand. She pulled him along until they were back to the couch again and after they sat, she handed him the book, "Read to me." When Vaughn looked at her, she reminded him, "You said you would."

He nodded, "Ok…" He looked at the book she had grabbed and smiled, "What poem do you want me to read?"

"Your favorite."

"I have a lot of favorites…"

"Well then pick one."

"I don't need the book for that…" he said with a cocky smile.

She smirked, "Ok then…recite it." As his voice filled the room, it reverberated off the walls, sending no other sounds to Sydney's ears. Her whole body was captivated with the movements of his lips, with the inflection of his voice, with the meter and rhythm of his reading…

"_Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth  
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;  
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth  
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things  
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung  
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,  
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung  
My eager craft through footless halls of air.  
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue  
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace  
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -  
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod  
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,  
Put out my hand and touched the face of God._"

From beginning to end, Sydney felt like she was floating high in the sky with Vaughn, where his voice transported her; moving melodically through fluffy clouds on laughter-silvered wings, the sun streaming and spreading it's warmth over her as she flew. He deftly and wistfully took her through the mirth of the sky, her own heaven hovering before her, her own hand reaching out to touch his face as his voice ended quietly on the solemn prayer.

"_High Flight_ by John Gillespie Magee, Jr."

"I've heard that before…It's beautiful," Sydney said just as quietly as he had ended the poem. She whispered, "More," as her eyes clouded over in their own love-lust for the man who was cantilating to her soul.

He smiled shyly, stuttering and rather uncomfortable as he saw the look in her eyes,

"_Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, __And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood  
And looked down one as far as I could  
To where it bent in the undergrowth;  
Then took the other, as just as fair,  
And having perhaps the better claim,  
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;  
Though as for that the passing there  
Had worn them really about the same,  
And both that morning equally lay  
In leaves no step had trodden black.  
Oh, I kept the first for another day!  
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,  
I doubted if I should ever come back.  
I shall be telling this with a sigh  
Somewhere ages and ages hence:  
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-  
I took the one less traveled by,  
And that has made all the difference._"

Sydney had closed her eyes, envisioning the words Vaughn made come to life with his kinetic and rich voice, "Robert Frost – '_The Road Not Taken_,'" Sydney said, opening her eyes to see Vaughn's on hers.

"That's right," he said swallowing noticeably.

"More," she said with a smile.

He chuckled, "I think I'll have to actually open the book for the one I'm thinking of."

"Ok," Sydney said, snuggling closer to him.

He read, "_Tell me not in mournful numbers,  
'Life is but an empty dream!'  
For the soul is dead that slumbers,  
And things are not what they seem._"

Sydney giggled as Vaughn looked at her and narrowed his gaze, saying the last line as though it were a mystery to be solved; his eyebrow raising. She had a sudden flash of him reading to their children, his tone playful and gentle, young eyes looking up at him in adoration, reading the book just as he had. She had to force herself to focus on the current moment and not the future…

"_Life is real! Life is earnest!  
And the grave is not its goal;  
'Dust thou art, to dust returnest,'  
Was not spoken of the soul._"

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,  
Is our destined end or way;  
But to act, that each to-morrow  
Find us further than to-day.

Sydney smiled happily, thinking of a Dr. Seuss book as Vaughn continued reading. The cadence was reminiscent of the children's books and the way Vaughn read; it was getting increasingly difficult not to jump on his lap on the couch.

"_Art is long, and Time is fleeting, __And our hearts, though stout and brave,  
Still, like muffled drums, are beating  
Funeral marches to the grave._"

In the world's broad field of battle,  
In the bivouac of Life,  
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!  
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!  
Let the dead Past bury its dead!  
Act -- act in the living Present!  
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Sydney laughed as Vaughn smiled at her and became more animated in his reading, his hand making motions in the air, while the timbre of his voice lilted and vacillated across the words.

"_Lives of great men all remind us  
We can make our lives sublime,  
And, departing, leave behind us  
Footprints on the sands of time;_"

Footprints, that perhaps another,  
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,  
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,  
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,  
With a heart for any fate;  
Still achieving, still pursuing,  
Learn to labour and to wait.

Sydney got a shiver as the poem ended, his voice quivering as he enunciated the last few words.  
"Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, '_A Psalm of Life._'"

Sydney nodded, "Very nice reading of that poem Mr. Vaughn," she leaned over, playing with the collar of his shirt. She looked up at him through hooded lashes, "Will you read me more while I make dinner?"

He smiled, knowing full well that she knew he'd do anything she ever could have asked. "Sure," he managed to choke out.

She smiled in triumph, clearing her throat as she walked to the kitchen, Vaughn following and sitting on his usual stool.

"Ok, fire away," Sydney said trying to change the ever-sexual mood.

"What's for dinner?" he asked.

"That's not a poem," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but before I read I wanna know what I'm gonna get outta this deal."

Sydney shot him a look, "I think you know what you're gonna get out of this deal…and I think we'll just have leftovers from yesterday…if I start heating it up now, it should be ready when Will and Francie get here…even with his stop for the swing."

"Ok, then I can commence," he replied, looking down at the book again.

Sydney started to take things out of the refrigerator, listening while Vaughn read, "_If you can keep your head when all about you  
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;  
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,  
But make allowance for their doubting too;  
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,  
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,  
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,  
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;_"

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;  
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;  
If you can meet with triumph and disaster  
And treat those two imposters just the same;  
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken  
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,  
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,  
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings  
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,  
And lose, and start again at your beginnings  
And never breath a word about your loss;  
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew  
To serve your turn long after they are gone,  
And so hold on when there is nothing in you  
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!';

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,  
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;  
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;  
If all men count with you, but none too much;  
If you can fill the unforgiving minute  
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -  
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,  
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

He smiled, "I used to love that one when I was younger," he said looking up to see Sydney had stopped preparing dinner. "What?" he asked.

She smiled, "Nothing…just got lost…" '_in the vibration of your voice,_ she thought, "in the poem…" she lied.

He smiled.

"I'm trying to remember," Sydney said, turning back to the microwave with a plate of brats, "This is bad Vaughn, I was a literature major…"

Vaughn smirked, "Rudyard Kipling – '_If_.'"

"Riiiiiiiight," Sydney said nodding, "Come on I remembered the others."

"I've always liked Longfellow…you wanna hear a couple more of his?"

"Sure."

"K – this one is '_Haunted Houses_:' '_All houses wherein men have lived and died  
Are haunted houses. Through the open doors  
The harmless phantoms on their errands glide,  
With feet that make no sound upon the floors._.'"

We meet them at the doorway, on the stair,  
Along the passages they come and go,  
Impalpable impressions on the air,  
A sense of something moving to and fro.

There are more guests at the table than the hosts  
Invited; the illuminated hall  
Is thronged with quiet, inoffensive ghosts,  
As silent as the pictures on the wall.

The stranger at my fireside cannot see  
The forms I see, or hear the sounds I hear;  
He but perceives that is; while unto me  
All that has been is visible and clear

"That's a cool one Vaughn," Sydney said, enthralled with his love of literature, sensing it had more personal meaning than he was telling her.

"And this one is '_The Builders,_' he started before she could ask, '_All are architects of Fate,  
Working in these walls of Time;  
Some with massive deeds and great,  
Some with ornaments of rhyme.__Standing in these walls of Time,  
Broken stairways, where the feet  
Stumble, as they seek to climb_.'"

Nothing useless is, or low;  
Each thing in its place is best;  
And what seems but idle show  
Strengthens and supports the rest.

For the structure that we raise,  
Time is what materials filled;  
Our todays and yesterdays  
Are the blocks with which we build.

Truly shape and fashion these;  
Leave no yawning gaps between;  
Think not, because no man sees,  
Such things will remain unseen.

In the elder days of Art,  
Builders wrought with greatest care  
Each minute and unseen part;  
For the gods see everywhere.

Let us do our work as well,  
Both the unseen and the seen;  
Make the house where dogs may dwell  
Beautiful, entire, and clean.

Else our lives are incomplete,

"That's nice."

"Mmhmm…shall I serenade you with some love sonnets of Shakespeare? Only with no singing?"

Sydney chuckled, "Absolutely."

Holding up a hand he said, "Ok, first though – I have another one – this is really short – by Henry Van Dyke, '_Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love time is eternity_.'"

"Aww…" Sydney said turning to him again.

"Yeah I know…" Vaughn said nodding, "I'm wonderful."

Sydney snorted, "You are…that's beautiful," she said seriously, "and true, we have eternity together."

He smiled and was quiet as he scanned over some of the sonnets. Sydney heard pages turn and smiled when she saw him concentrating to find the perfect one for her. He finally decided and started to read, "This is 17:"

His voice took on another completely different facet, lower, more sensual, fitting the mood in which the sonnet had been written.

Sydney marveled at how he could touch her heart in such simple ways, how he could make her soul and body soar and sing so easily…

"'_Who will believe my verse in time to come,  
If it were fill'd with your most high deserts?  
Though yet, heaven knows, it is but as a tomb  
Which hides your life and shows not half your parts.  
If I could write the beauty of your eyes  
And in fresh numbers number all your graces,  
The age to come would say 'This poet lies:  
Such heavenly touches ne'er touch'd earthly faces.'  
So should my papers yellow'd with their age  
Be scorn'd like old men of less truth than tongue,  
And your true rights be term'd a poet's rage  
And stretched metre of an antique song:  
But were some child of yours alive that time,  
You should live twice; in it and in my rhyme._'"

She stopped to watch him as he read through the last lines, but he wasn't reading it anymore; he was reciting it, watching her.

He smiled knowingly as he finished breathily, and she swore that this man could melt glaciers in the Arctic with his eyes alone, melt the largest iceberg with his voice, light the Stygian darkness of the darkest night with his smile.

"You're amazing," she said.

He blushed and looked down momentarily, "So are you."

She continued with her preparation as he leafed through more pages. Then he closed the book and watched her again for a minute before he said quietly, "I used to be afraid of the dark when I was little."

Sydney turned to look at him, "I think a lot of kids are…"

"Yeah, but I mean I would scream bloody murder if left in the dark."

"Aww…"

"Yeah, every night my mom would say the same thing before she left my room…" he said sheepishly.

"And what was that?"

"'_Though my soul may set in darkness,  
It will rise in perfect light.  
I have loved the stars too fondly,  
To be fearful of the night_.' Sarah Williams wrote that…and then on top of it, because she knew I was afraid, even with the nightlight sometimes, she bought those glow-in-the-dark stars and put them all over my room, and they would glow until I fell asleep usually…"

Sydney could feel the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. She leaned her hands on the counter and then moved; Vaughn watching as her fingers skimmed along the cool marble surface of the countertop until her hand disappeared, snagging on the corner of the wall and then she was on his side, smiling gently.

He turned to smile back at her, but she caught him before he did, kissing him on the cheek before making him move the stool backward. She straddled his lap and wedged herself between him and the counter, her lower back pressing into the hard surface.

Her arms came to rest on his shoulders, her hands linking behind his head, splaying on his neck, her thumbs playing with the hair at the base of his neck.

His hands rested on her sides, just above her hips in the spot that seemed made to fit his hands, the grooves perfectly matched for him. He pulled her closer as she said, "I love you," both looking into the pair of eyes that warmed their souls.

"I love you too," he replied, his eyes softening even more in love.

"I don't think I really understood what my mother meant when she told me that, not until I was older," he admitted, "It was just the comfort that she said it every night. It made me feel better, safe…like the darkness couldn't have me…"

"Then it did what it was supposed to," she said.

"You do that…"

"What?"

"Make me feel safe…Make the darkness go away…"

"Vaughn…" she started, but he stopped her when he continued.

"You know…I don't love you because you're beautiful, even though you are. And I don't love you because you're the smartest person I know, even though you are. I don't love you because you're always there for me, even though you are. I definitely don't love you because you're great in bed, although God knows you are," he said with a grin, "I certainly don't love you because you're stubborn, although you are…I don't 

love you because your great at your job or because you're the most loving person in the world or because you don't charge rent…"

She laughed as he continued.

"I don't love you because you're a wonderful friend, and I certainly don't love you because my mother adores you even more than I think she does me…" he smiled, "I don't love you because you yell at doctors and don't let anyone hurt me…I don't love you because you put up with my myriad of moods. I don't love you because you wouldn't let me go…"

"Even though you're all those things…that's not why I love you…do you want to know why I love you?"

She nodded through tears that were rapidly spilling over.

"I love you because you always play with my hair. I love you because you always hold my hand and you remember to bring my baseball hats and you make sure that I get to wear shoes. I love you because you get excited about _Finding Nemo_ and _MacGyver_. I love you because you always add more hot water so we can stay in the tub longer, and you'll get up at three in the morning to shower with me. I love you because you always tuck your hair behind your ear and look down when someone compliments you. I love you because you bring me my toothbrush at night and because you sing when you're folding clothes and you think no one is listening. I love you because you yell at the people on screen in movies and you jump and grab my arm when something scares you. I love how you'll repel from a helicopter into a terrorist cell but Barney the big purple dinosaur creeps you out."

"Hi is evil," she said nodding, and wiping away tears.

"I love you because you can withstand torture but you need band-aids for your paper cuts. I love you because you can break codes that are impossible to break, but you can't program your VCR. I love you because you slip Donovan treats when you think I'm not looking. I love you because your eyes light up like you're five when someone gives you a present. I love you because you'll let me veer from nutrition to have a beer and you'll eat pizza like a college buddy but you won't admit that you secretly love it more than your nutritious foods. I love you because when I'm with you I feel like I can do anything and when I'm not with you I can't stand to be away. It hurts to be away from you. I can't think of being anywhere else. I love you because you make me feel like a better person than I was before I knew you. I love you for all the little things that no one else knows. I love you because you make me feel like I belong to someone and that I can be myself. I love you with everything that I am and I love you because I know you love me back."

She hugged him fiercely, her head falling on his shoulder, her forehead pressed into his neck as the tears streamed down onto his shirt. "Vaughn," she choked out.

He held onto her, running his hand over her head, "You don't have to say anything…"

She shook her head from her perch on his shoulder, "I don't think I could anyway…I don't have the words…"

"How about just three?" he said quietly.

She pushed back from him and looked at him through her tear-stained eyes. "I love you Michael."

He smiled, "Four, even better – see you just outdid me there…damn you."

She chuckled, "I don't think that outdid your whole speech there."

"Mmm…I don't think you understand the power of the first name calling."

She laughed again, "Gets ya huh?"

"Well let's just say if I'd know that poetry made you a pile of mush, I would have done it long ago."

"Your poetry there was better than anything you read in that book," she said looking down, her fingers playing with the buttons on his shirt.

He looked down to watch her fingers dance over the fabric.

"Thank you," she added, looking back up at him.

"You're welcome. It's all true."

She smiled, "You know…we really should do something about Barney…he is evil, I know it Vaughn…I mean he sings too…"

Vaughn smirked, "I'll get right on that."

"Thanks…my guardian angel…that's why I love you."

"You did it again…"

"What?" she asked.

"Outdid me…"

She laughed."

"And I certainly don't love you because you do that…" he said smiling.

"Yeah you'll put up with it cause you're stuck with me…"

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

She leaned forward and captured his mouth, the fingers of her right hand still playing with the buttons while the left became tangled in his hair, her nails tickling his scalp in the way that made him tingle all over. She was intoxicating in everything she did and Vaughn scarcely heard the front door open; he was too lost in the world that was all Sydney.

Francie walked in and smirked, holding the door for Will as he lugged a box in the house. He dropped in loudly, making Vaughn jump, and ending his sensory loss in Sydney-ville.

"Jesus Christ, ya know, I'm lugging this huge ass box around for you guys and what are you doing? AGAIN? Sex lessons," he said shaking his head. "I'm not sure why it surprises me anymore."

Sydney giggled as Francie smiled, "He's just jealous."

Sydney kissed Vaughn quickly a few more times, her hand lingering on his cheek before she moved off of his lap.

"You know I really don't love you because you have a friend that constantly prevents me from getting laid."

Sydney laughed loudly.

"What?" Will asked.

"Nothing," Vaughn said waving him off, "It's just I have all these wonderful lessons planned out in my head, and then when you come in, they just go right out the window."

Sydney chuckled as Will started to laugh, but then she stopped, "Wait…how come I never get to hear these?"

"Well by the time I can put them back into action, that moment is over."

Sydney pouted, "Damnit Will!"

"OH COME ON!" he said grabbing a beer from the fridge.


	10. Chapter 299: The Handy Man Can…

**Chapter 299: The Handy Man Can…**

_"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." – Nathaniel Borenstein_

_"This is the most unprofessional production I've ever worked on! Nobody knows where they're going, or what they're doing, except, of course, for ME." – Steve, The Wizard of Speed and Time_

_"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." – Franklin P. Jones_

_Engineering Terminology:  
What is said: A number of different approaches are being tried.  
What it means: We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.  
What is said: An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem.  
What it means: We just hired three guys...We'll let them kick it around for a while.  
What is said: Developed after years of intensive research.  
What it means: It was discovered by accident.  
What is said: Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties.  
What it means: We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.  
What is said: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.  
What it means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.  
What is said: Test results were extremely gratifying.  
What it means: It works, and boy are we surprised!  
What is said: The design will be finalized in the next reporting period.  
What it means: We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.  
What is said: The entire concept is unworkable.  
What it means: The only guy who understood the thing just quit.  
What is said: We need close project coordination._  
_What it means: We should have asked someone else. Alternate: Let's spread the responsibility for this._

* * *

"So…you're really gonna put this together Will?" Sydney asked, eyeing him warily as the guys prepared to start the swing after dinner was over.

"Yeah, I can put it together. I am capable."

"Right," Sydney said nodding.

"Mike can supervise and read the directions…it's a guy project," Will declared.

Francie snorted, "I can't wait to see this."

Sydney looked at Vaughn, "You know…Vaughn I could just call a professional…"

Recognition flared in Vaughn's eyes, "NO. NO PROFESSIONALS. WE WILL DO IT."

Will looked at him strangely.

"I'll explain outside dude."

"Ok."

He and Will walked outside into the front yard, Vaughn sitting on a lawn chair and Will taking the contents of the swing out of the box.

"K, so what was that all about?"

"I showed Syd this porno I had…it was _Horny Housewives_…"

"That's a good video," Will said before thinking. He grinned at Vaughn, "Uh…"

Vaughn smiled back, "Yeah it is – 'cept for all the handymen that appear…"

"OH RIGHT," Will said remembering. "No calls…ever…for either of them."

Once he had all the pieces out, he looked at Vaughn, "Ok, read away chief."

Vaughn snorted and started to read the directions to him. Will listened intently and started to put the pieces together.

Francie and Sydney peered out from the den window, watching the two men as they conversed about the swing.

Francie looked at Sydney, "You really think they're gonna pull this off?"

"I think they will, yeah."

"Maybe we should get them something to drink, it's pretty hot out there." She paused, "Should Michael be out in that heat?"

Sydney's brow furrowed, "Probably not…but I'm not gonna take it away from him."

Francie nodded, "Let's get them something cool to drink. Will looks like he's gonna fall over."

They went off to the kitchen, pouring two glasses of lemonade and carried them outside.

"How's it goin' boys?" Francie asked as they stepped out.

Will stood up and accepted the glass as he wiped the sweat off of his brow. "Thanks, it's going well. We're about halfway done."

Sydney handed Vaughn his glass and watched him carefully, making sure he was doing all right. He seemed to be doing quite well, but he wasn't doing as much manual labor as Will was. She still felt the need to ask, "You ok? It's not too hot for you is it?"

He smiled, "I'm ok…might need a shower after, but I'm ok."

She nodded.

Francie ran her hand up Will's back, "Maybe you should take your shirt off…you might be cooler," she suggested skillfully.

He smirked, "Yeah you're loving every minute of this aren't you?"

"The view is nice."

"Well I don't want to disappoint," Will said, handing Francie the glass to hold as he pulled the tee over his head. He spent a minute wiping some of the sweat off of his chest before he handed Francie the shirt and took the glass back with a smirk.

Francie took the shirt and took a minute to give Will a nice, long once over, his skin still moist and glistening, making it look an ever darker shade of tan than it was. "Mmm mmm…just like Campbell's soup

Will…mmm mmm good…"

Will blushed and smiled all at the same time, his eyes searching the grass as Francie finished her scrutiny.

"Oh yes…I approve…we can retreat over here now Sydney," Francie said, taking the glass back from Will and pointing to the entryway stairs. "We're gonna sit out here and get the birds-eye view…"

Sydney snorted and smirked at Will as he tried to remember where he was before Francie got him all flustered. Vaughn sat back in his chair, holding the glass of lemonade as it rested on top of his thigh. He smirked as Will glanced up at him

"Shut up."

"What? I didn't say anything," Vaughn said with a grin, bringing the glass up to take another sip.

"Ok…it's done," Will announced, stepping back and mopping his brow with his forearm.

Francie and Sydney both stood up and walked over, scrutinizing the job that the boys had done.

"So who's first?" Will asked with a smile.

"First for what?" Sydney asked.

"Sitting in it!" Will said, "Why what did you think I meant?"

Sydney looked at Vaughn, whose eyebrow rose, "Nothing, nothing…"

Will nodded, "Riiiiiiight. SO?"

"You sit in it," Francie said, gesturing to him.

"Why?"

"Because you made it – and if a screw falls out and you fall on your ass – it won't be hurting anyone else with your shotty craftsmanship."

"Fine," Will said, ceremoniously sitting in the swing, pushing off with his feet and extending his arms over the back. He smiled smugly, swinging gently. "Mike?" Will said.

Vaughn handed Sydney the empty glass and used her hand for leverage to pull himself up. Will stopped the swing and grabbed his arm so he could sit next to him on the swing. Once he was settled, Will pushed off again, a caddish smile playing on his face as he looked over at Vaughn and then turned with the same smile to the girls.

"Smart ass," Francie said.

"Well…I think my craftsmanship seems to be tip-top," Will said smiling at Vaughn again. "We make a good team man."

"Yes, I think we do."

"I think we should just use our swing now."

"Ok."

"YOUR swing?" Francie said.

"Yes…since you seemed to be afraid to sit in the swing that the hot workman was putting together, I'm not going to let you sit in it."

"You ass."

"Well you liked my ass before – now you can kiss it from over there," Will said with a smirk.

"You are so getting it," Francie declared, moving toward him.

"Be careful…" Will warned, "Injured man sharing the swing."

"Oh I'll leave him for his own girlfriend."

Sydney laughed as Francie grabbed Will's hand and pulled hard, effectively moving Will nowhere. "Damn you!"

"Us workmen…yeah we're pretty buff…"

Francie tried unsuccessfully once more, "Sydney! Help me!"

"Nope – you gotta fight this one on your own."

Will smiled triumphantly and waited until Francie tried again. On her next attempt, he pulled back, catching her off balance. He then pushed her off and launched himself off the swing, effectively tackling Francie. He picked her up and swung her over his shoulder, "This seems to work quite well…"

"You are SO getting it."

"I hope so," Will said, slapping her on the ass.

"WILL!"

He chuckled and walked towards the house, "See you guys later," he yelled as he closed the door.

Sydney laughed and then came over to Vaughn on the swing, sitting down gingerly as though she was afraid it would break when she sat.

"Syd…" Vaughn said as she finally let herself lean back into the swing.

"What?"

"If both Will and I can sit on it – I think you're pretty safe."

She smirked over at him and leaned closer, his right arm moving around her shoulder.

"This was a great idea," Sydney said quietly as they swung gently, the night air settling in and making it comfortably cooler.

"Mmhmm…"

"You're a genius."

"Thanks."

She snuggled closer, her head resting on his shoulder as he set the pace of their swaying; a slow and gentle rocking that was sending Sydney into a deep relaxation.

Vaughn took a pronounced deep breath, making Sydney giggle.

"What? I like it out here."

"I can tell."

"It's peaceful."

"It's wonderful."

Vaughn started humming softly, the tune not registering with Sydney, muffled partly by her head resting half on his chest. It made the song deeper, less defined, more rugged, and completely intoxicating. The wind was blowing softly over her features, the hair on the sides of her face billowing with the currents. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, the scent of the crisp air, the scent of Vaughn's aftershave, the scent of freshly cut grass and a hint of lavender filling her nostrils and lungs. She found herself breathing more evenly as she listened to Vaughn's song, his fingers running over her shoulder in a gentle and mesmerizing pattern. There seemed to be no traffic, no crickets, nothing…no sounds except the wind rustling through the trees and the rumbling of Vaughn's voice.

Vaughn couldn't have thought of a better way to spend an evening. There was something about just sitting outside, not doing anything in particular, just sitting…and enjoying the company of the woman he loved more than life itself. He had always loved being outside, in the woods, at the beach, anywhere, as long as it was outside. Nature had an innate way of making things seem calm, an order to a chaotic world. Nature was not a peaceful thing by design; it demanded survival of the fittest, a dichotic plan of birth and death, light and dark, cycles and chains, rebirth. But still, it reeked of calm; a sense of peace and serenity when in it's midst; awe inspiriting and terrifying all in one. The same seemingly ordered-chaotic design that created and birthed earthquakes and tornadoes, volcanoes and hurricanes, also created new life, made things clean, new, unpolluted, and whole again. Nature had it's own intrinsic endurance devices. Nature demanded respect and provided in return.

Vaughn smiled at his own thoughts, drawing senseless patterns on Sydney's shoulder. He looked down at her, her hair blowing softly in the gentle breeze, her face flawlessly angelic in a light sleep. His smile grew as he realized that the swing had put her to sleep. He decided that this wasn't the perfect way to spend an evening; it was the only way. He leaned back a little more, careful not to disturb the celestial being in his arms, and kept up the same methodic swinging movements, content to let Sydney sleep a while longer.

Vaughn leaned his head on the back of the swing, looking up at the night sky that had sprung up on them, perhaps not as quickly as Vaughn thought it seemed. Stars sparkled across the sky, the fingernail moon winking back at him in earnest. He realized they had spent a long time just swinging outside and it was getting close to the time they'd have to go in. He regretted waking Sydney, but he knew carrying her inside was not an option at the moment. He sighed and took a deep breath, breathing in all of the nature, Sydney included, saving it until he'd meet it again. He watched Sydney for another moment before he tightened his grip on her shoulder and shook her gently.

"Syd…" he whispered, his lips pressing a kiss into her forehead.

She mumbled softly, burrowing into his chest.

"Syd…you gotta wake up baby…"

"Mmmm…"

He smiled and let her rouse herself, "Hey…"

"Mmmhiiiiiii…"

He chuckled, "We should go in…sorry to wake you."

"Sorry I fell asleep…you're quite the sandman with your new swing Vaughn."

"I try. Peaceful isn't it?"

"I mentioned the genius part right?"

"You did."

"Good…Let's go in…"

"I'm sorry I can't carry you in."

Sydney smiled softly and touched his cheek, "You've carried me since the day I met you Vaughn."

Vaughn was caught off guard by her admission, "I…" he looked away.

"It's the truth Vaughn."

"Well…see I think of that as reversed recently."

"It's not…it's just more balanced now. I didn't carry you through anything before Vaughn."

"That wasn't your job."

"It was if I loved you."

He smiled, "I didn't need you for that."

"You did…you were just too proud to ask."

"Well I couldn't really ask."

"I know."

"Things are different now."

"I know."

"I can ask."

"Yes you can. Anytime you need to."

He turned to kiss her softly, "Tomorrow I might ask…Let's go inside."

"Anytime…You want me to carry you?" Sydney asked smirking as she helped him up.

"No, but I'll settle for you holding my hand."

"Absolutely."

As they walked hand in hand towards the door, Vaughn pulled her closer, his arm moving to her waist, hers moving to do the same. "That's better," Sydney said as she opened the door and closed it behind them.


	11. Chapter 300: Curtailing the Abyss

**Chapter 300: Curtailing the Abyss**

"_On Vineland past the candle shrine that burns on every night  
For someone  
She lets herself go  
Like an angel in the snow  
She lays down on her back  
Down on her back - she goes_

_Take me over when I'm gone  
Take me over make me strong  
Take me over when I'm gone  
Will they burn for me_

_On Vineland past the candle shrine that melts into the street design  
She waits - for someone  
Tonight she'll give herself away  
She'll break apart all by herself  
It's so easy how we come undone_

_Take me over when I'm gone  
Take me over make me strong  
Take me over when I'm gone  
Will they burn for me_

_She pulls me in – strips me down  
She pulls me in – turns me out  
She pulls me in – strips me down_

_Take me over when I'm gone  
Take me over make me strong  
Take me over when I'm gone  
Will they burn for me  
Will they burn for me" – "Candleburn" – Dishwalla_

_"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." – Victor Hugo_

* * *

Sydney bolted the door behind them after they stepped in the foyer. Vaughn waited patiently, taking her hand again as she turned from the lock. She smiled softly and pulled him closer as they walked down the hall. She closed the bedroom door behind them as well, letting go of Vaughn as he walked to the bed and sat down slowly on the edge of it. His gaze drifted towards the patio doors to his right and when Sydney turned, he was still gazing out the sheer curtains into black nothingness. She walked towards him, and he finally looked at her when she sat down next to him. He looked down as she interlocked their fingers, leaning on him gently, her head falling onto his shoulder.

"You ever get the feeling that you're on the edge of a big black hole and you're just one step away from falling in it?" he asked suddenly.

Sydney's head popped up instantly worried, "Vaughn?"

"No, I don't mean it like that…not that I'm constantly on the edge of it…just…" he took a deep breath, "feels that way tonight."

She nodded but didn't say anything.

"I mean I…I want to get it over with in a way you know? But there's still a part of me that's scared to pour it all out…"

"Yeah I can see that honey."

"Maybe if I get it all out…and you read it…if you still want to," he looked at her unsurely for a moment, "Then maybe, I dunno, it'll be easier to let it go. This weekend was so much about moving on…but if I can't even get it out on paper for myself, then I'm gonna be going nowhere fast."

Sydney nodded again, "I want to read it Vaughn, but only if you want me to."

"I've been writing it to you," Vaughn said quietly.

"I know…but if you don't want me to, I won't."

"I want you to know everything," he stopped and then started again, "I do…I just…I mean it's not a happy piece of literature."

She caressed his cheek and made him turn to look at her, "I want to know. I've never disillusioned myself to think it'll be easy to read, but I have to know."

"Ok," Vaughn said unsteadily after a moment of deliberation. He looked off again, this time, his head facing the front, his eyes boring into the grain of the wood on the dresser. "Be a long day…" he said trailing off.

Sydney cuddled closer, her arm wrapping around his back, pulling him closer as her head dropped onto his shoulder again. "It won't be easy for either one of us Vaughn…but we'll get through it…just like we always do."

Vaughn let out a ragged breath and nodded.

Sydney knew that just the idea of thinking about everything that had happened to him had to be eating a large hole inside of him. She also realized that after all the emotions and pain that was most likely to be drudged up the following day, there would be no room for physical connection. Emotive exhaustion would rule over anything physical they might want to share.

That left just this night…this abysmal night; that she hoped would be enough to comfort and strengthen both of them for the task that lay ahead. She knew there would be no time in the dawn of the morning to share this same closeness; he would be too determined and far too fragile. In a way, she never wanted the darkness to end, but if they stayed locked forever in this contrived abyss, he would stay lost in the dark forever, never moving fully into the light that would be their life. He told her once that he was lost in the dark; his old shadow replaced with a darkness that he couldn't shake. If she willingly let him stay in the darkness of this night, he would never leave the darkness behind. His life would be haunted, murky silhouettes would follow him everywhere, never letting him cast his own shadow again, and she couldn't let that happen.

Vaughn was lost in his own thoughts; too many swirling like a tornado in his head. It was hard enough to sort out normal ones, but throwing panicked thoughts of what tomorrow would bring, thoughts of torture past and present, reliving it again in his mind…the tornado threatened to spin him out of control. The only thing that kept him from spinning off of the bed was Sydney, his anchor, tethering him to a sanity that only she seemed able to provide. He knew that tomorrow would not be easy for her either. It was bad enough he had to drag it up again, but this time…this time she would get dragged through it with him…she would be more than an observer this time, watching and reading every thought and every part of torture. In a way, she was crossing a line – to a participant. She would relive it with him. He wasn't sure she was ready for that, and he certainly wasn't sure he was. His mind had extrapolated a million different scenarios and reactions, but he knew none of them he came up with would be how Sydney would react. She reacted outside of the realm of how normal people did, too accustomed and ingrained into the unbelievable world they lived in. He tried to calm his mind, to tell himself that she wouldn't judge him, that she would love him no matter what poured out on the screen, but the thoughts still lingered…

Before he knew it, Sydney's hand reached out for him in the muted light, touching his cheek, seeking something more tangible in his form than her mere thoughts of his shadow. The touch of her hand on him pulled him out of his own thoughts, and he turned to look down at her. She smiled warmly and kissed him softly on the lips, her hand moving down his cheek until it came to rest on his chest. He eagerly responded, shifting to meet her lips, forcing her to move away from his shoulder to meet him.

She stood suddenly, and planted herself in his lap, her legs straddling his as her arms wrapped around his neck, her interlocked fingers kneading through the bottom of his hair. As their mouths melded and their tongues dueled in a passionate war, Vaughn's hands began to roam up and down Sydney's back, kneading the flesh there in a similar manner to what she was currently doing in his hair. Sydney's head tilted to capture his mouth at a new angle, Vaughn's hand moving to cup her neck, his fingers dancing through the soft strands of her chestnut hair. She moaned into his mouth as his other hand moved to the front of her shirt, skimming along the material before he cupped her breast, molding it the way his fingers deemed appropriate. Sydney's hands faltered in Vaughn's hair as he pinched her nipple, urging her to remove the shirt and the bra beneath with a simple glance and a flash of his most charmingly dimpled smile.

She smirked and sat back breathless, carelessly ripping the shirt over her head as Vaughn worked the clasp of the bra in a mere second. She tossed it aside as well, running her fingers through her hair before she settled on his shirt, her hands stopping right beneath his shoulders, rubbing softly and looking longingly at the black cotton fabric, knowing what was underneath. She smiled seductively and her tongue snaked out to wet her lips before she gently helped him remove the shirt, running the pads of her fingers over the newly exposed flesh.

Her mouth replaced her hands, moving lower to rub warmth across his ribs, still encased safely in the rib wrap. Vaughn lost all ability to counter her, deciding instead that hanging on would be a good idea as her mouth made short work of his chest, her tongue running along his collarbone and up his Adam's apple until their mouths met again in a searing and singeing embrace.

Sydney pushed against his chest but he pulled away from her kiss and shook his head, "No…not this time…" he said quietly.

She regarded him closely for a minute, trying to decide what would be different.

"Stand up…" he said.

Sydney backed off and watched as he stood up with her, moving to close the gap between them. His right hand reached for the button on her jeans, pulling gently and rather quickly separating the denim material. He grinned as he pulled the zipper after it, stepping back a fraction of an inch for her to remove them. She peeled them off and got rid of her panties with them, and moved back to him, her hands falling to his jeans, replicating the motions he'd just completed. She pulled the jeans down, the boxers falling with them, and he stepped out of them, faltering slightly when she decided to rake her nails down his thighs at that moment.

She stood up quickly to steady him and then promptly took any balance away as she kissed him and grabbed his enlarging cock at the same time. His brow furrowed as her grip tightened; the moan that was spilling from his mouth immediately swallowed in Sydney's kiss. She started to walk him back to the bed, but he stopped her, moving her hand away from him and making her stop to look into his eyes.

He smiled, assuring her nothing was wrong, but switched positions, making her walk backwards to the bed instead. Her look of confusion turned to utter shock once they reached the edge of the bed. While she stood eyeing him, waiting for what he was going to do next, he pushed her, sending her flailing back on the bed. She propped herself up on her elbows after she landed, her mouth agape, and was about ask him what the hell he was thinking, but the look in his eyes made her stop. He moved forward, stepping into her spread legs, making them spread further as he moved closer to her. Instinct told her to sit up and as she did, he started towards her, kneeling on the bed between her legs. Her face broke out in a mischievous grin that mirrored his own while he steadily forced her to move up on the bed. Once her head hit the pillow, he stopped, resting back on his knees to take her in. His gaze traveled up her body, cataloguing everything he'd missed from this vantage point. Sydney watched him, watched the smile widen when he reached her face; watched his reaction when she reached out for him.

His face was set in determination and based on his earlier activities; Sydney knew what he was thinking. She wasn't sure it was going to work, but she was damn well going to let him try. He started to move down toward her, bracing himself on his right arm, the muscles in his bicep flexing with the exertion and new position. As the space between their bodies decreased, Sydney realized she was going to have to do something to help him stay upright. She thought a minute and then accommodated just as his abdomen met hers. As he bent his right arm to rest his elbow on the bed, she made sure her right bent the same, and moved her hand to the inside of his shoulder, propping him up and affording him the balance he was going to need to be on top. With both of them aiding in his balance, it left each with a hand to roam, and furnished enough stability for Vaughn to feel confident. They took pleasure in the simple fact that Vaughn was on top for a few minutes…

"You're on top," Sydney said quietly, giggling.

"Yes…it seems so…"

"You ok?" Sydney had to ask.

"I'm fine."

"No pain?"

"A little is ok."

"Vaughn…"

"I'm fine," he assured her.

"Pressure?"

"Nope," Vaughn said, shaking his head and lowering his mouth to hers.

She moaned as his tongue plunged in her mouth, an urgency and need in his kisses tonight, but she realized her kisses in return were just as fervent and insistent. Their connection tomorrow would be deeper, more spiritual, even more so than the normal soulful, physical act that she knew they'd share tonight. The following morning would bring the need for support of a different kind, the kind that could outlast the stamina of the flesh; the kind that only their souls shared at their barest essence. But that was tomorrow…tonight was about forgetting, comforting, new beginnings, connection, unity, satiation, passion, peace…love. Separately they were two wonderful people, but they were something completely different when together – whole…

"Make love to me Michael," Sydney whispered in his ear as his mouth had delved to her neck.


	12. Chapter 301: Fear Fades In Passion’s Glo

**Chapter 301: Fear Fades In Passion's Glow**

_"Down to the earth  
I fell with dripping wings  
Heavy things won't fly  
And the sky might catch on fire  
And burn the axis of the world that's why  
I prefer a sunless sky  
To the glittering and stinging in my eyes_

I feel so light  
This is all I wanna feel tonight  
I feel so light  
Tonight and the rest of my life  
Tonight and the rest of my life

Gleaming in the dark sea  
I'm as light as air floating there breathlessly  
When the dream dissolves  
I open up my eyes  
I realize that  
Everything is shoreless sea  
A weightlessness is passing over me

I feel so light  
This is all I wanna feel tonight  
I feel so light  
Tonight and the rest of my life  
Tonight and the rest of my life

Everything is waves and stars  
The universe is resting in my arms

I feel so light  
This is all I wanna feel tonight  
I feel so light  
Tonight and the rest of my life

I feel so light  
This is all I wanna feel tonight  
I feel so light  
Tonight and the rest of my life  
Tonight and the rest of my life" – "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" – Nina Gordon

"If there were no words  
No way to speak  
I would still hear you  
If there were no tears  
No way to feel inside  
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refused to shine  
Even if romance ran out of rhyme  
You would still have my heart until the end of time  
You're all I need, my love, my Valentine

All of my life  
I have been waiting for  
All you give to me  
You've opened my eyes  
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I've dreamed of this a thousand times before  
But in my dreams I couldn't love you more  
I will give you my heart  
Until the end of time...  
You're all I need, my love, my Valentine

And even if the sun refused to shine  
Even if romance ran out of rhyme  
You would still have my heart until the end of time  
'Cause all I need is you, my Valentine  
You're all I need, my love, my Valentine" – "Valentine" – Martina McBride

* * *

He moved back to look at her, his eyes cloudy with repressed tears at that statement, but the clouds were parting to something that was familiar – determination and a lust-mixed love. He grinned, the corners of his mouth turning upward before his mouth disappeared into hers.

She reached down to help him inside, but he pulled away and shook his head, "No…I want to do it."

She smiled in understanding and moved her hand to his other shoulder instead, ready to hold him up. He glanced up at her reflexively one more time, asking for a silent permission that he didn't need anymore, but Sydney understood that as well, and lifted her mouth to his gently as an answer.

He wasted no more time in aligning himself with her, knowing that holding him up was going to get tiresome and awkward. His cock was throbbing in his hand as he placed it at her folds, an incandescent warmth meeting the tip as he pushed it in. Copious liquid assaulted him as the head slipped in, and he willed himself not to come with the initial contact.

His eyes were forced closed as he penetrated her dripping silken heat fully, but Sydney forced her own eyes to stay open, watching his face contort into a pleasured grimace. His eyes remained closed for a moment; Sydney was fascinated with the relieved look that had taken over his features now that he rested inside her core. When jade finally met hazel, Sydney had fallen in love with him all over again. She beamed up at him; making him smile, and he wondered exactly what was causing this reaction, since he hadn't even moved yet.

He moved his arm back to the comforter, alleviating the full weight of him from her arms, and her free hand immediately moved to his chest, flexing and caressing the muscles there as he smiled down at her. They spent a few minutes in total silence; no movement, only the sounds of elevated breathing and the wind gently blowing outside the patio door could be heard. Sydney closed her eyes when Vaughn made the first thrust, the blood suddenly flooding her ears as she remembered all the times in the past when they had done this. Granted, it was a modified form, but feeling him this way, this angle, this position, it was like starting all over again, like the first time they ever made love.

She forced her eyes open again, finding his closed, his second thrust having more confidence behind it, trying to find a rhythm that was going to work. They fumbled for a few minutes until a pattern was decided, trying to strike a balance that would keep Vaughn steady. Sydney wrapped her legs around his hips, stabilizing him even more, and his eyes opened at the feeling, his mouth breaking into a smile before he closed the smile on her lips.

Sydney lifted her hips on his next thrust, sending him inside her at a completely different angle. Vaughn's head dipped back as Sydney let out a long moan, her hand moving from his chest to his neck as she hung onto him, taking in all the sensations.

Vaughn watched in enchantment as the bewitching emotions fell across Sydney's features. He found himself captivated with the way her mouth would move on his thrust, the way her hand tightened on his neck when he hit her cervix, the way her head arched off the pillow when he withdrew to thrust again. He purposely varied what he was doing, just to see if it garnered a different reaction.

Sydney suddenly seemed to notice he was being inconsistent and when he looked up at him, she realized he was doing this on purpose. She smiled back at his cocky grin, squeezing her muscles around him, making him falter for a moment until he realized she was doing the exact same thing he was doing to her. He leaned down to wipe the smiled off of her face, and she gladly let him do it, her hand moving from his neck to his head, running her fingers through his hair before she pulled gently, his head pulling back to look at her in question. She smirked again and shifted her legs around his hips, making him graze against her front wall on every thrust.

The shift from her legs closed any small gap that had existed earlier between their bodies. The heat emanating from the pair was palpable in the air that surrounded them, creating a sex-induced haze. Their breath mingled between and through kisses, and warmed over heated skin as they both pushed towards orgasm. The fine sheen of sweat that covered them earlier had turned into something much more apparent and distinct, beads running down Vaughn's back and pooling near Sydney's abdomen, which only aided Vaughn as he slid inside Sydney over and over. He could feel the trickle of moisture running from where his hairline ended all the way down his back, cooling as it rolled slowly through his thrusting motions. He shivered unconsciously, Sydney's hand suddenly in the moisture, running up and down what parts of his back she could reach, only furthering his shudders.

Sydney was completely focused on the amount of heat that was building at her center and spreading all over her body, echoing out from the core up to her abdomen and radiating out in waves. She swore she could feel Vaughn's pulse and his unsteady and elevated heartbeat through his throbbing cock as it propelled through her walls. She couldn't be sure of her own heartbeat anymore, there were far too many synapses firing in her brain and too much thundering in her ears for her to keep track.

As their shadows cast reflecting and mimicking images on the wall, Vaughn thrust one final time, sending Sydney over the edge, her walls clenching and releasing his cock ceaselessly as he tumbled into his own climax with her, his cock pulsating as it pushed his seed deep inside her. Sydney held onto Vaughn's neck in a vice-grip, her mouth open in noiseless screams of ecstasy. It finally closed on his shoulder, desperate for something to keep her from actually screaming, her legs quivering as the tremors rocked through her entire body.

Both forced themselves to keep their eyes open and trained on the other as the height of the orgasm finished washing over them. Vaughn smirked down at her, still feeling Sydney clenching around him, the strength dissipating slowly as she came down. Sydney grinned similarly up at Vaughn, still feeling the last of his semen as it spilled gently inside. She could feel the tension in his muscles, close to collapsing from exhaustion, not used to working that hard in this position. She reached up and smoothed a hand over his brow, her fingers trailing down to his cheek. Before he lowered himself to her chest, he kissed her lightly on the forehead, smiling breathlessly.

Sydney could feel Vaughn's heart thumping against her as he rested on her chest, his breath hot on her skin. She ran her hand through his damp hair, and she could feel his eyes close as he felt the familiar gesture. She let him rest a few minutes, keeping the motion in his hair, knowing it was eventually going to make him fall asleep. She also knew it was probably not a good idea for him to stay this way tonight.

"Vaughn…"

"Mmmmm…" he said sleepily.

"We have to move…"

"Mmmmmnnnnoooowhy?" he whined all together.

"Because I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay on top all night…"

"Mmmmmm…"

Sydney chuckled, waiting for Vaughn to rouse himself enough to move. "Ready?"

"K," he said sleepily, pushing off with his right arm as Sydney moved to push on his left shoulder. Together, they effectively managed to push him back to his knees, reversing the way they got him down. After he was kneeling again, he sat back on his knees, waiting for Sydney to get back over to him. She smiled at him before she kissed him softly on the lips, helping him turn and lie down on his back.

"Damn…" he said quietly once he was staring at the ceiling again.

"What?" Sydney asked, concerned.

He sighed, "Nothing…on my back again."

She smiled and leaned down, laying her chin on his chest. "I'm sorry…I just don't think it's a good idea…tonight…"

"I know. You're right…I was just getting used to the top…" he said, half-smiling.

"I think you'll revisit it again soon," Sydney promised, kissing his cheek.

"I hope so…it was…" he trailed off.

"I know," Sydney agreed.

"You can't tell me you don't miss that Sydney…" Vaughn said quietly.

Sydney thought a moment, propping herself up on his chest so she could look at him, "I do miss it sometimes Vaughn…but not because it's better…just because it's different."

"You don't think it's better?"

She smiled, "Are you saying I don't do a good job on top?"

He smirked, "No, not at all…just…maybe it's an ego thing."

"You can be a man on the bottom."

"I know."

"And you are."

"I know."

"Then what?"

"Just…I think it's the idea that I can't or I couldn't – something…guy-like in me just feels insecure, and it's not because you don't do a wonderful job and I think we've had some of the best sex ever the past few months…ya know…it's just…" he sighed, "I had a thought at the beginning, I think I lost it somewhere in the middle."

Sydney smiled and moved up, leaning over him, "I understand Vaughn. And it's ok…it's ok to want to be on top, or for both of us to think that this time was good or better…but no two sexual experiences can really be compared – this was special or better or different for more than sexual reasons. It meant something different."

He grinned, "How do you just…do that?"

"What?" she asked.

"Just…explain shit like that when I fumbled through?"

She chuckled, "It's something…chick-like…"

"Right."

"It doesn't matter the position Vaughn, I love you just the same."

"I know, and I feel the same way…"

"It's liberating to be able to do it."

"Right."

"Well just think about all the times we can do it whatever way we want when you get even better." She thought a moment and then began listing, "Rolling…switching positions, positions against furniture, on furniture, under furniture…"

Vaughn laughed, "You have quite the plan…"

"And you don't?"

"Oh, no, I've had plenty of time to plot."

"Excellent."

Sydney leaned forward and captured Vaughn's lips, leaving a kiss that would linger until morning. "I love you Michael."

"I love you too Sydney."

Her head returned to his chest, his arm reflexively running up and down her back. As he heard and felt Sydney fall quickly into slumber, he stayed awake, and for a moment, he wondered if his sleep tonight would be plagued by thoughts of tomorrow, but instead, he mused about Sydney, about what was to come with her…and he found himself grinning…and he fell asleep without another thought of what tomorrow would bring.


	13. Chapter 302: The Resurfacing Cimmerian D

**Chapter 302: The Resurfacing Cimmerian Desert**

_"Then, rising with Aurora's light,  
The muse invok'd, sit down to write;  
Blot out, correct, insert, refine,  
Enlarge, diminish, interline." – "On Poetry" – Jonathan Swift_

"_Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull." – Rod Serling_

_"Writing is easy. All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead." – Gene Fowler_

_"Of all that is written, I love only what a person has written with his own blood." – Friedrich Nietzsche_

* * *

Morning came much too quickly for Vaughn's taste. While it was true he had slept restfully, it didn't make the task ahead of him any less difficult and daunting. There was still a large part of him that wanted the torturous part of his life left buried in the recesses of his unconscious. However, he knew leaving it buried there in the dark part of his mind wouldn't make it go away and it wouldn't make him psychologically healthy. Still, there was pain in cleansing it, and he knew it wasn't a pain he was going to be weathering alone.

Sydney was still asleep, her features calm and her mouth slightly open as her deep breathing flowed over his bare chest. He dared not move, and he resisted the urge to run his fingers up and down her back, because he wanted to stay like this for just a little while longer, before his past would come back to haunt them again. So he waited, content to just take all of her in, while the sunlight started to gently pour into the room.

Her head moved slightly, burrowing deeper in an effort to stay sleeping, as her body and perhaps her mind wanted the night to last longer. He smiled as he felt her do it, understanding the need to stay right here. Eventually, she couldn't fight the waking anymore and sighed quietly, not wanting to wake him and not knowing he'd been awake for some time.

"Morning…" he said gently, still making her jump slightly, "Sorry," he said chuckling.

Her head rose slowly from his chest, her eyes looking into his and her hands falling where her head had been, "Morning…how long have you been awake?" she asked, wondering if he had slept at all.

"Only a little while."

She considered his statement, and decided she saw only truth in his eyes, "You ok?"

He debated a moment, looking away, but his gaze returned and he nodded, "Yeah, I think I am."

She nodded and laid her head back on his chest, her hand resting over his heart. "You scared?"

He didn't answer right away, thoughts tumbling around in his mind, and Sydney was about to sit up again, but then he started, "Yeah…" He felt her nod against his chest, and he didn't ask, but he knew she was scared too…and he thought she had good reason to be.

Sydney debated for a minute whether or not to tell him just how scared she was – for him, for herself…but she decided it would only make things harder for him. She finally decided to just let it go, knowing he could probably figure out that this was scary for her as well.

They lay in a quiet silence; both thinking for a few more minutes until Sydney finally asked quietly, "You wanna eat before you start?"

He sighed, "I'm not really hungry…but yeah I guess I should eat something…I don't want to wait too long though…it's not gonna write itself," he said attempting a smile.

Sydney looked up at him, "Vaughn…"

"No…I don't want to talk about it anymore…ok? I have to do it…but can we just be normal until I do? Or as normal as we get?" he said smirking, but there was a sadness behind it. "Can we at least try to act like I'm not writing it until I actually do?"

Sydney smiled, "Yeah, we can try that."

He nodded gratefully.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

"Something light I guess."

"Hmm," Sydney thought, "scrambled eggs and toast?"

"Sure."

"Ok, I'll be right back," she said kissing him quickly.

Vaughn nodded and watched her go, trying not to think about anything in her absence.

When she returned, she tried to carry on like it was a normal morning, and she was quite impressed with her charade. While she was a mess of emotions inside, worrying endlessly, she kept her exterior cool and calm for him. Whether he knew she was acting beautifully or truly being 'normal' she didn't know, but he didn't say anything either.

As they sat trying to keep the topics as light as their much-discarded breakfast, Vaughn finally said, "This isn't really working is it?"

Sydney looked over at him with a cheerless and empathetic smile, "No…not really…"

"I think I'm done," he sighed as he pushed the plate away.

"Yeah, me too," Sydney nodded. She gathered the dishes and wordlessly walked them out of the room. She managed a rather genuine smile when she came back and sat on his side of the bed. "I just want you to know Vaughn…no matter what happens today, I love you and nothing is going to change that."

He let out a shaky breath and looked away from her, "I hope so."

She forced his head back in her direction. "I love you."

"I love you too."

She nodded, satisfied, "Let's get dressed."

He didn't reply, but watched her get their clothing out, hoping that after she read the journal that her opinion and her steadfast love would not be wavered.

Once they were both clothed, she sat down again and ran hand over his shirt for a moment before patting his chest lovingly.

"Will you sit with me for a minute?" he asked.

"Of course," she replied, moving to the her side of the bed and fell into place beside him, her head resting on his shoulder and his resting on hers. The fingers of her left hand intertwined with his right, and her right hand fell on his chest, the warmth keeping Vaughn from falling apart. They said nothing, Sydney waiting until Vaughn told her to leave, happy to stay there forever.

He took a deep breath a few minutes later, "Ok."

She looked up at him, "You're ready?"

"As I'm ever going to be."

She nodded and got off the bed, getting the laptop and placed it on his lap. Not knowing what else to do, she patted her thighs for a moment and then finally got rid of her nervous and indecisive hands by shoving them in her pockets. "Ok, you write, I'll get some stuff done…call me if you…need anything," she kissed him softly, and grabbed the mounting pile of laundry accumulating in the room. She looked back at him when she reached the doorway and tried to give him a reassuring smile.

She walked straight to the laundry room with the first load of laundry and found herself hanging onto the washer for stability. She wasn't sure what was harder, he writing or she having to leave him to do it alone. She hoped that her support from afar would be enough.

Vaughn just sat with the closed laptop resting ominously on his lap for a few minutes. When he finally worked up the courage to open it and click on the file, he spent a few more reading over what he'd already wrote. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to cleanse some of the apprehension and worry. When he opened them, he could see the torture playing like a filmstrip in front of him, and he fought a wave of panic that rose until he reminded himself that it was just a memory, and that it couldn't do anything to harm him physically anymore. With a final deep breath, he started to write…


	14. Chapter 303: The Pensive, Part One

**Chapter 303: The Pensive, Part One **

_"Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...  
Come here  
Pretty please  
Can you tell me where I am  
You won't you say something  
I need to get my bearings  
I'm lost  
And the shadows keep on changing_

_And I'm haunted  
By the lives that I have loved  
And actions I have hated  
I'm haunted  
By the lives that wove the web  
Inside my haunted head_

_Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa..._

_Don't cry,  
There's always a way  
Here in November in this house of leaves  
We'll pray  
Please, I know it's hard to believe  
To see a perfect forest  
Through so many splintered trees  
You and me  
And these shadows keep on changing_

_And I'm haunted  
By the lives that I have loved  
And actions I have hated  
I'm haunted  
By the promises I've made  
And others I have broken  
I'm haunted  
By the lives that wove the web  
Inside my haunted head_

_Hallways... always_

_I'll always love you  
I'll always need you  
I'll always want you_

_And I will always miss you_

_Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa..._

_Come here  
No I won't say please  
One more look at the ghost  
Before I'm gonna make it leave  
Come here  
I've got the pieces here_

_Time to gather up the splinters  
Build a casket for my tears_

_I'm haunted  
(By the lives that I have loved)  
I'm haunted  
(By the promises I've made)  
I'm haunted  
By the hallways in this tiny room  
The echos there of me and you  
The voices that are carrying this tune_

_Ba da pa pa..." – Poe – "Haunted"_

* * *

Sydney busied herself as Vaughn wrote, trying not to think about what he was going through in the other room, washing and drying several loads of their clothes and then stopped by the pitiful form of Donovan lying by his water dish.

"Aww Donovan, you lonely today?" The dog picked his head up and looked at her, his tongue lolling and his tail starting to wag. "Come on," she said walking outside to the backyard. She spent a while chasing the dog and laughing, he happily taking part in the game and barking at her. When they trailed back inside, the dog went right for his water dish, greedily lapping at the liquid after his exercise with Sydney. She watched him for a few minutes before she went back to her housework, straightening up the living room and den. She smiled thinking it was strange that people who spent an awful lot of time in the bedroom managed to create so much clutter in the other parts of the house. After straightening everything she could, she walked past the bedroom door on her way back to get the clothes out of the dryer. She desperately needed to make sure he was all right, but didn't want to make him think she was checking up on him. Even though she stopped in the doorway for a moment, Vaughn did not notice, his face was scrunched in a visage of determination. He seemed ok and she smiled as she continued to the laundry room and brought the clothes into the kitchen, folding them on the counter.

She was halfway through folding Vaughn's T-shirts when she heard him call her. She looked at the clock; he had been at his writing for a little over three and a half hours.

"Hey," she said smiling, sitting on the bed and kissing him softly.

"Hi," he said, returning her smile.

She noticed he looked rather tired, the memories fresh and the pain in his eyes like it had been so many times before. He had wiped all the tears away, but she could see those had been there as well.

"You ok?" she asked, touching his cheek.

"I'm done," he said quietly, avoiding her real question.

"You're what?" she asked confused.

"I'm finished…with the journaling…this part anyway…" he trailed off, looking off out the door.

She was confused for a minute, "Finished?" she asked.

He smiled and turned to her again, "Yes. Finished."

"Wow," she said, unsure of how she should proceed, "Well…that's great, isn't it?"

He chuckled, "Yeah, I guess it is…I'm glad I'm done with it…"

"Yeah, I'm sure you are…"

"So if you want to read it…it's all right here," he said turning the laptop towards her.

She looked down at the screen, a '_Sydney,_' peering back at her on the first line. She smiled, "You're absolutely sure?" she asked one more time.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Do you want me to read it here?"

"Um…not exactly…" he said uneasily.

She smiled in understanding, "It's ok honey…I know…" she touched his cheek again. "I'll read it in the living room ok?"

"Yeah…I'll just…uhm…watch TV or take a nap…or something…"

The same soft smile played on her face. She closed the laptop and took it off his lap. "I'll be back…ok?"

He nodded and watched her walk out with his whole experience in her hands. He had to admit he was more than a little frightened of what she would think. This would be it; she'd know everything…everything that happened…how he reacted. He turned on the TV, flipping it to ESPN so she would think he was watching. But all he watched was the door to the bedroom. He glanced every once in awhile at the TV, watching stats and figures on the screen, but nothing soaked in…

He watched the door soundlessly, his stomach doing summersaults…

Sydney sat down on the couch, and placed the laptop on her thighs. She stared down at the closed black computer, warring feelings rising. Carefully, she opened it and again, she was looking at the start of his journal, addressed to her. She was curious to say the least, this would be the final piece of the puzzle, after reading this; she would know exactly what happened to him. And while the truth would certainly make things easier for her to understand, a whole new set of problems arose. They say the truth sets you free, but Sydney was certain that this bit of truth would not set her free. With this knowledge came more pain, for her, for Vaughn…she wondered as she stared at the '_Sydney_' staring back at her if things would change once she knew. Would he be the same? Would her knowing make it easier or harder for him to talk to her? She knew no matter how much she debated with herself, no matter how much of her wanted to simply push the computer aside and stay in the blissful space of half-knowing that she was going to read this. She was compelled to let her eyes travel past her name, to read what he had poured out on the screen, to finally really _know_ what this had done to him. This was it…no going back. She started to read, and what she read horrified her…

_Sydney,_

_I don't really know where to start and I'm not sure that you really want to know all of this. I told you before that it would be easier for me to write this, because I don't think I could say it to you. I couldn't see the hurt and pain in your eyes while I told you. But, I don't want there to be any secrets between us either, so if you want to know, this is where you can find out._

Sydney smiled as she read over his first paragraph. It was so…Vaughn.

_I was completely honest with Barnett when I told her about it; I told her everything, so I think it's only fair I __do the same here. So, I'll tell you everything. You should know a few things. First, you were my reason for living, for hanging on, for enduring it all. When it got bad, and all I wanted to do was…well…die…I thought about you, and then I knew I couldn't. I had to keep going. I lived for you. If the pain got really bad, I'd see your face, and it would go away. When they took everything else from me including a large part of my sanity, I knew they didn't have you. I knew you were safe, and then I was ok. I'm not proud of everything that happened, my reactions to what they did to me, and there was a time near the end, when I totally lost all hope, and that, for me, was the worst moment of it all, because I started to believe what they were saying. I'm not making excuses, I just want you to understand that when you read some of this, no matter what I might say, deep down, I knew the truth. I knew you loved me; I knew it wasn't true._

Sydney suddenly realized this was going to be even worse than she thought. She'd only gotten through his first page and she was already crying. She grabbed a tissue from the coffee table and wiped at her eyes. She knew that the more she read, the more she'd probably need them and it would be a different kind of tear. This had been bittersweet, him telling her that she was his reason for hanging on…she knew her tears to come would be of regret, pain, anger, fear, loss…and so many others.

_I guess I should start at the beginning…_

Sydney read over his description of the events that lead up to his capture. Most of these details she already knew, but that didn't make it easier to read. His capture was nothing short of unpleasant and it only got worse from there. She remembered well that dreadful day when she received Sloane's call…the last time she would speak to Vaughn in weeks. She shook her head at the memory.

_I spent a lot of time waiting in the cell…thinking…except for torture sessions, I spent the vast majority of my time in that cell…they brought the food in there, the same bread and water everyday, until they decided to take that away for a while too. That second day – Sloane kept trying to bait me, and I wouldn't let him. I brought up Emily, played defiant…it didn't go so well…just made him mad, which I suppose was my point at the time. I just wanted to feel like I wasn't taking all of this lying down. I had to do something. They just beat me up that first time, and took me back to the cell. I hated the cell…but it was oddly comforting as well. It was home while I was there, such as it was and it was always the place they took me back to – it was like the only place that I could have solace. And I thought about you._

Sydney felt a surge of pride in the middle of her pain while reading, thinking of Vaughn being defiant in the worst of situations, not letting Sloane use him the way he wanted to. The more she read, the more she found it strangely odd and yet familiar in the way he wrote about the torture. When he was simply telling her what they did, his writing was very formal, mechanical, like he was writing a report. However, inevitably, his own feelings seeped through his official and company veneer, the inner vulnerable man she had gotten to know shining through the outward appearance of the man she loved. She'd seen it before, which was what set him apart from so many others. He was an agent, yes. He could be detached and ruthless when needed, but he had an incredibly human and sensitive side underneath.

_That first week was mostly just beatings, punches…the second week – that's when the real torture started. That day I was introduced to the torture room, where most of the rest of the torture was carried out. It was the same concrete walls, but this room was more equipped. It had two tables, one with binding straps, one without. Shackles on the wall, chair with bindings, cart with tools on it, office chair, and the fireplace._

Sydney's brow furrowed when she read over the items of the room that would be his destruction. She shuddered, knowing that the items he'd just laid out were going to come into play later in his tale.

_They strung me up to the ceiling and Sark took over then. He burned me with a fire poker before he burned me and cut me with his jackknife. Sloane did his cigars next…that was the only part of the torture he actively participated in for awhile. He thoroughly enjoyed that part._

Sydney felt herself gripping the edges of the laptop, her knuckles slowly turning various shades of cream and white as her anger started to rise. Vaughn's description of the room was vivid enough, but the images she saw were perhaps more horrifying. Even with the information all in front of her, her mind made the images come to life. She could see Vaughn hanging from the ceiling in the living room, and had to close her eyes to make the image to go away. As she opened her eyes, he was gone, but the picture in her mind was not. She saw Sloane and Sark, flagged by a room full of other torturers, all watching in a disgusting glee as Vaughn was burned in front of them. She could hear Sloane's voice in her head, his face looming behind her eyes. His smile…his evil, twisted smile…

_I don't think it's possible to relate what something like that feels like…it was bad enough with Sark, but Sloane, he took pleasure in burning me. That's why I have so many of the burns…he'd tell me all about you and how you were going to be there with me soon…how I was partly responsible for Emily's death…how he wanted to make us suffer. The smell of your own flesh burning, mixing with the scent of expensive Cuban cigars…that will never leave me. And knowing…knowing what he was doing, I think that was worse…but later, the not knowing wasn't any better. It's not a matter of lesser evils; both are evil._

She stopped reading for a moment after that, the bile threatening to rise in her throat. She swallowed harshly a few times, trying to will herself to keep reading, to read what came next. She imagined Vaughn hanging there lifelessly, jerking away as another cigar burned into his skin from Sloane's wicked fingers. Sark…watching with his cold dead blue eyes, detached and emotionless as Vaughn struggled to stay conscious. She couldn't bear to think of Vaughn knowing what they were doing and being powerless to stop them. The idea of them taunting him, using her as bait, using their relationship as a toy…

_I thought about fear a lot – then and now…when I was in the cell, alone, I'd think about what they had in store, and that was always scary. The things I imagined, well my imagination wasn't as good as theirs it seemed. But thinking about it, all the time, it does something to you. At first, all I thought about was you. Getting out, escaping somehow, planning how I could make a break, how you would burst through the door and get me out. But after the first few weeks, it starts to wear. You start thinking if you'll get out at all; escape routes become impossible and irrelevant. I started to think less and less about getting out, and more and more about what they had done already and what more they could do. Towards the end, I would have gladly invited death. I tried to be defiant in the beginning, not let Sloane get his way, not let him get to me, but again, after a while, you start to believe it…they were good at torturing. No matter what my mind, my heart told me somewhere deep down, about you, about the CIA, about anything; no matter how much I knew it subconsciously, when you're there…it's impossible not to fall into what they're saying._

Sydney found that paragraph hard to read. She knew where things were leading…he was starting to admit the affect it all had on him, and she wasn't sure she was ready for that admission. She also felt the familiar twinge of guilt; her inability not only to stop it from happening, but her inability to save him when he needed her most. Hearing that he had given up hope of her coming to find him made her hate them even more. She knew she'd find out in a few short moments why he had been driven to that point, but just the idea – that they had removed him that far from what he knew so well was unimaginable.

_I would spend hours arguing with myself in my head, warring thoughts, knowing what was true and what I perceived from them. Analyzing how they could have stumbled upon certain information. How they knew something about you, about me…about us. I knew that all that information could be found in records, records which Sloane possessed, but at the time, those thoughts don't come into play. I wasn't even thinking rationally at the end._

A non-rational Vaughn was not something Sydney was used to. While now, at times, he was less confident, more afraid, he was still himself. She had gathered from the bits and pieces of information that he had given her that they had used her in his torture…to manipulate him, but she found herself now more curious than ever, a fearful curiosity about what specifically they had said to him…


	15. Chapter 304: The Pensive, Part Two

**Chapter 304: The Pensive, Part Two**

_"I'd listen to the words he'd say  
But in his voice I heard decay  
The plastic face forced to portray  
all the insides left cold and gray  
There is a place that still remains  
It eats the fear it eats the pain  
the sweetest price he'll have to pay  
The day the whole world went away." – "The Day the World Went Away" – Nine Inch Nails_

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." – Thich Nhat Hanh

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." – Albus Dumbledore – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrects – J.K. Rowling

"The hours passed like the ghosts of night, as a procession chanting the dirge of her sorrow, and the maiden felt secure with the shedding of her tears in anguished solitude. When she could not resist the pressure of her suffering any longer, and as she felt that she was in full possession of the treasured secrets of her heart, she took the quill and commenced mingling her tears with ink upon parchment, and she inscribed: My Beloved Sister, When the heart becomes congested with secrets, and the eyes begin to burn from the searing tears, and the ribs are about to burst with the growing of the heart's confinement, one cannot find expression for such a labyrinth except by a surge of release." – Kahlil Gibran – The Secrets of the Heart

* * *

A non-rational Vaughn was not something Sydney was used to. While now, at times, he was less confident, more afraid, he was still himself. She had gathered from the bits and pieces of information that he had given her that they had used her in his torture…to manipulate him, but she found herself now more curious than ever, a fearful curiosity about what specifically they had said to him…

_The power to decide is one of the most important within humanity. Everyone makes decisions every day and Sloane made a lot of decisions during the time he tortured me. He decided what would happen to me, what would be done, who would be doing it. Days sort of blur together now, I just remember pain and different torture methods. I couldn't say anymore when things happened because honestly at the time, I don't think I really knew. Minutes, hours, days, weeks passed by at different intervals. Sometimes minutes were weeks long, other times, days passed by in a matter of seconds. I made my own decisions too…one decision that stands out in my mind was the day that Sloane decided to start breaking my fingers. He asked me outright if I was right or left handed. I debated at the time whether I should really tell him. I had two choices. I could lie and tell him I was right handed and he might have believed me and damaged the right. Or, he might have thought I was lying or knew outright and damage the left. Either way it was going to happen, so I told the truth…_

Sydney looked away from the computer screen again, the images in her mind too gruesome. The problem with written words was their permanence…this would be etched in her mind now forever, his graphic account now playing like a horror movie in her head. She could watch as a casual observer, watching as Vaughn debated whether or not to tell them the truth…

_Sloane asked your mother for confirmation, which she provided and Sloane's thug broke a finger and then another…you wouldn't think that a finger would cause much pain when broken, but it's amazing how much it hurts and then hurts more when they continue to pull on it after it's broken. After that I was introduced to the thug's collection of antique razors. Looking back now, it was sort of strange that they gave me all these bits of their history, the thugs were really very open about their past, their names…I suppose though they were not worried about me escaping. It's difficult to say what the worst part of torture was. The razor blades were certainly one of the more painful…but then, it was all painful…_

Sydney gasped out loud at her mother's sick role in the scene. Her gasp turned to an outcry when she read about the razors, her mind creating pictures of barbershop antiques; his flesh slowly yielding to the pressure of the dull blades, leaving jagged edges and bright red rivulets of blood in their wake.

_The razors were all very old, and in that sense, dull. Since they were dull, he explained to me, it not only hurt more, but left more jagged wounds, wounds that were harder to close. I realize now that their talkativeness was probably just another part of torture, since I've said before that it's sometimes worse to know what's going to happen to you, to anticipate and then have it be fifty times worse than your largest anticipation. While you'd love to keep quiet, it's quite impossible when someone is digging a blunt piece of metal into your skin like he's trying to imprint a Morse code message there._

Nausea once again took over her as Vaughn's honesty and candor broke through. His illustration was nothing short of disturbing and the fact that he actually came up with that image of what was done to him was what scared her even more. That coupled with the way that his torturers would use their pasts as another disgusting part of their sick charade made her set the laptop on the couch. She got up and went to the kitchen sink, splashing water on her face and getting a drink. Slowly, her nausea abated and she leaned on the counter, wondering how much more there was and wondering equally how much longer she could stand to read what they did to him. Eventually she shuffled back to the couch, knowing that stopping now would only leave an interrupted picture in her mind. It was an ugly picture, but she had to have resolution.

_I'd been out for days after that, the pain taking over. When I woke up I was bound to a metal table, bright light shining down. I was there long enough with no one disturbing me; long enough that when they came back I was covered in a light sweat from the light boring down on me. This was one time that the information came after the sounds…what I heard was a clicking sound which the man then informed me was a stun gun. He told me other information as well…like the others, but I was much more transfixed with that flickering blue light. He counted out the number of seconds he was leaving it there, but it didn't matter much to me how long he kept it there, it was pure hell for any amount of time. There was no screaming this time…I couldn't form words with all the electricity surging through me. After that came the taser…but it was a flying taser with these electrodes that attached. The sweat only made it worse, more amplified, and when he stopped, I couldn't move at all. When I started to pass out, they dumped water on me to keep me awake. Then he started with the cattle prod. That…screams were inevitable again. That he pressed into wounds, around them, making new ones, enlarging others…I passed out, I guess Sloane wasn't very happy…_

Sydney shivered, feeling the electricity prickling on her own skin, memories of her own shock therapy in Maganlov Clinic coming back in waves. The hairs on her arms and neck were standing up as she tried to imagine this inventive sort of torture. The faceless monsters that did this to him took on horrible shapes in her imagination. What would have been comic misshapen beings took on mangled and revolting, heinous forms as she thought about them.

_Waking in the cell was always a comfort and a disappointment. Being alone was a comfort, but waking there, it just always reaffirmed that it was real, that it wasn't some horrible nightmare. I didn't wake up next to you, warm in our bed; I woke on a hard, cold cement floor._

Sydney's heart wrenched, remembering him lying on that floor, the one room that she had seen of his torture. She remembered vividly the cold, dull gray walls, the emptiness, the hopelessness of that room…the darkness. Blood. The smell of imminent death lingering. And guilt surfaced again, as she thought about all the nights he was lying on that floor, bleeding, coughing, wasting away as she laid in their soft, comfortable bed.

_Whippings came next…strung to the ceiling while the asshole told me his story. I was so tired of their goddamn stories, half the time I had all to do not to tell them to just get on with it. The pain of whipping…I don't think it's describable. Plus, it had spikes on it. Fire…it felt like an inferno on my back and sides. Watching blood pool on the floor…knowing it's yours…feeling it pour out. Then came the salt…more pain…burning, inflaming, igniting on my back…like one giant ulcer…and that started it…I started to break._

The sheer barbarianism of their acts surprised her still. She knew they whipped him, but he had never mentioned the salt. She pushed the nausea down, the rage and anger, the pure unadulterated fury and wrath that was pulsing through her veins was at a boiling point. She had the laptop in her hands, and before she knew it was raised high above her head, ready to be hurtled across the room into the wall. The wave of nausea returned when realization hit her and she dropped the laptop on the couch, her hand covering her mouth as she ran down the hall to the bathroom. She had enough sense to close the door before she bent over the porcelain structure and retched painfully, emptying the contents of her stomach until nothing was left to retch. After that came the dry heaves, overtaking her as images of blood and flesh, electricity and broken bones…and salt lingered in her brain.

Sydney had meant the closing of the door to be quiet and unnoticeable, but it turned into more of a slam as she hurried before vomiting. It only succeeded in drawing Vaughn's attention to the hastily shut door, the sounds of vomiting emanating through the door despite the sound of sports facts spilling out of the television.

His heart sank as he listened, wondering what piece of information had sent her running to the bathroom. "Syd?" he called out in a shaky voice, "Are you ok?"

He heard a muffled "Yeah, I'm fine," before the toilet flushed and the faucet was turned on.

He wanted to say more, he wanted to know what had caused this, he wanted her to reaffirm that it wasn't his breaking, it wasn't his weakness, it wasn't her disgust with him that had made her empty her stomach. But he found that he couldn't form the words, he couldn't even speak to ask, the emotions and fears bottling making rational thought and speech impossible at the time. He heard the faucet turn off and then Sydney leave the bathroom, leaving the door closed and not even so much as looking in the room. His fears felt confirmed, that she was avoiding him, that she needed to calm herself before she could even look at him again, finding his behavior while being tortured abhorrent. He sank down on the bed and closed his eyes momentarily, willing himself to calm before he had to call her to make a mad dash for the bathroom himself. Silent tears fell as he opened his eyes slowly, his vision blurred as he watched the door, waiting still…

She collapsed on the couch, bitter animus tears spilling at an alarming rate as the laptop sat open and ready on the cushion next to her. It was unfathomable that the man sitting in the next room, pretending to watch TV had been put through all of this and wound up still sane. The laptop seemed pounds heavier when she picked it up again, loathing the machine that held this repulsive information but knew she had to see this through to the end. With a quivering breath, she started to read again.

_They dislocated my shoulder in the next round, strung me up again, letting the weight further damage the socket…I couldn't breathe…the angle, the strain…blood was everywhere. I was coughing up large amounts as well…they started to talk about you…and I begged them to kill me instead, to leave you alone. He took me down and proceeded to use Cole's Needles of Fire on me…that agony cannot be put into words. There is no language that has been invented that can explain what they do to you. While Sloane played with those, Sark started to tell me about you. He played "God Put a Smile on Your Face" over and over and over, unceasing, while he told me things that only I would know…and I knew that he could have found out all the information elsewhere, but I…I broke completely. I couldn't take anymore and even though I knew that you were never with Sark, I believed it. _

A different sort of sick feeling rose in Sydney as she thought about Sark. Knowing that both Sloane and Sark collectively worked to break Vaughn, one providing the physical pain and one destroying him emotionally, she had all to do not to throw the computer again. The arrogance in particular of Sark, to say something to Vaughn that would make him literally believe they had a relationship…she was once again lost as to what he could have said. What kind of information did they acquire? How did they acquire something so personal that Vaughn would believe that she would ever have anything to do with that little British son of a bitch? Chills ran up her spine as she thought about the Needles of Fire, knowing from Sloane's own experience that they brought unimaginable pain. For him to use the very thing that caused him such pain…the evilness of these people…they were corporeal manifestations of pure wickedness.

_I was tired and I just wanted it all to end. When they took you away, I didn't care anymore about anything. Torture was useless because I didn't react at all anymore. I stopped eating; I stopped caring. I wanted nothing more than to just slip away quietly in the cell, just welcoming the darkness when it decided to visit me. When I was awake, it was more torturous then, in a different way. The pain was horrible but numbness was a welcome guest. If I was numb then I couldn't feel the pain, I couldn't feel the cold, I couldn't feel the blood spilling or the lack of oxygen, or the burning. I longed for the numbness to swallow me. If it meant that you were safe, happy wherever or whoever it was you were with, then it was ok._

Tears started to fall as she realized that Vaughn's selflessness carried on even to his darkest hour. Even when he was ready to die, welcoming it, she was on his mind. When he thought that she was with someone else, he was accepting of death as long as she was happy.

_I suppose I spent a great deal of time during torture in a semi-conscious delusional state. After they had broken me, it only got worse because I stopped eating. I don't know how to explain how I came to the conclusion that you and Sark had a relationship, but that's what they made me believe. They said all the right things, in the right way, and I was so far gone that I let it sink it, take root and grow to a horrible reality in my mind. I knew you never had a relationship with him, I knew that in my heart, that you loved me and that Sark was never a thought in your mind, but it didn't matter. They had succeeded in their task, I was weak and I had broken, begged for your life and begged them to kill me. I don't think I can even explain it to myself how I got to that point, but the combined effort of pain and torture and loss wears on you, and in truth, you can say I wasn't strong enough. And that's a painful pill to swallow. Because you can say what you want and I know you'll be saying 'it's not your fault Vaughn,' right now, but I'm ashamed that I let them push me to that point, that I wasn't strong enough to hold out longer, that I let them manipulate me. I'm disgusted with the level that they made me sink to, to a point where I would question not only my own sanity but your character, your will, your love. Even now, as I sit here thinking about it, I still feel that same way. Recounting it again just makes all the feelings surface. Their words echo, telling me that I'm not good enough, that I'm weak, that I crumbled long before other agents did, that I didn't last as long as my father. Thoughts of him, of what he would think, of the embarrassment he would feel that his only son had turned into the begging shell of the person he had once been, they plagued me then and now. I felt like I deserved what they did to me, that my weakness, my fallibility, my inability to take more of it all warranted the punishment. It was punishment for my stupidity, for every unintelligent act I'd ever been a part of, for all my sins. Most of all, I feel like somehow I've disgraced his memory along with myself. That he somehow was lowered by what happened to me, although I know that they probably did something similar to him. Being revolted by yourself is not something you want to carry for a very long time. I was weary of it all, of living in the state that I was in. I didn't want to be a shell, and I couldn't take it back, I couldn't make it go away. Death seemed the only alternative, because looking in your eyes and seeing shame, seeing the weakness was a fate worse than anything they could have done to me. _

Sydney felt the air leave her lungs as the tears left trails down her cheeks. His revelations about what this had all done to him, to make him feel this way about himself…her anchor…he had always been the strong one, the one she leaned on and in a few short weeks, it had all been taken away from him. The anchor had been tossed out to sea, dragging along the sea bottom, desperately grasping for purchase and never being able to stop the ship from continuing through the choppy waters. She felt lightheaded knowing that he still felt this way, like he had deserved it, that he had disgraced himself and his father's memory and thought that she would feel the same way. That she could see him as anything else than strong…

_By the time the day of the rescue happened, I was completely delirious. I don't remember much of the day, but I remember your mother and I remember thinking you were there. I think she was sent to force me to eat, to stay alive until Sloane was done with me, but the numbness I resided in allowed me to see you instead of her. It's an odd sort of paradox for me now, to think that I saw you in the face of my father's killer, but the resemblance in my fog of pain was enough. I remember her turning me over, your eyes looking down at me. The memory is hazy at best, if I could mistake your mother for you, you know it must have been, but she was very gentle as I remember, helping me eat and drink so I could stay alive long enough for you to get to me. I remember apologizing to you, asking your forgiveness for not being strong enough, telling you that I hoped Sark would be stronger, that I was sorry I broke. I wanted you to be safe and I didn't want anything that happened to me to hurt you. I knew I had let you down and I couldn't hang on anymore. I was completely convinced that you wouldn't want this broken ghost of the person that I had been. I thought you'd blame me…that it was my fault. I know that Irina tried to talk me out of it, but I didn't care, I wanted her to leave me and to get out before they found 'you.' The funny thing is, that I swear, you talked to me then…you told me you loved me and that I needed to eat and hang on. You were very explicit that I wasn't supposed to give up. I realized later that it wasn't you that was saying those things to me…but her…and I don't know how to feel about that. I didn't think she was capable of something of that nature. Whether her reason was for you or me, it remains that she did in fact help me, and she was gentle and kind and went along with my delusion to make sure I hung on._

The sobs could not be held in anymore as Sydney sat weeping on the couch. While she was immensely grateful for all that her mother had done for them, she couldn't help but be surprised at her gentleness. Her memory of Irina Derevko was limited to a few short years in her childhood and a more dismal picture of her now. The woman she knew now she did not think capable of such tenderness, and certainly not to the extent of impersonating her daughter to keep Vaughn alive. She was just as confused as Vaughn, grappling with the ramifications of her mother's actions. She wept for the mother she never had, for the life that was taken from her, for Vaughn and the horrors he had suffered at the hands of Arvin Sloane.

_I'm sorry to say that I don't remember the rescue at all, or the hours leading up to it. I don't remember the hospital trip or the hospital itself until I woke up to the far away feeling of your hand holding mine. It was like coming back to earth, the nightmare of the time I'd spent away from you slowly pushing back into the depths as the room became bathed in normal light again. And there you were…looming above me radiantly…my angel pulling me out of the darkness once again. It seemed that all my fears, all my thoughts about seeing all those horrible things reflected in your eyes dissipated in the second of your smile, and all I saw in your eyes was worry and love and happiness. I remember you were crying and I knew that everything was ok. Nothing compared to the elation I felt seeing you there with me._

In the last weeks, I can't begin to tell you how much you've done for me. Coming back from a place that dark wasn't easy, but it seemed to be with you always with me. You made me want to live again; make me feel safe; your love has made me whole. I don't ever want to disappoint you and I hope that you can see me in the same way you did before, even knowing what happened after I was taken.

I love you,  
Michael

Sydney read Vaughn's closing, his last plea for her forgiveness and his significant way of signing the journal. She closed the file and shut the computer down. Wiping at the tears still left on her face, she got up slowly and began the walk to the bedroom. When she got to the doorway, he was already looking in her direction, meeting her eyes to gauge her reaction. The television rambled on as the two pairs of eyes bored into each other…neither moved…time seemed to stand still…it seemed like hours had passed in the few seconds since Sydney's arrival at the door. She took a step closer, no words of comfort or understanding came from her and Vaughn couldn't read the look in her eyes; it was one he had never seen before…


End file.
